- Title: G.I. JOE: A Real American Hero – Cold Slither
- wiki: link
For your Saturday morning cartoon enjoyment, we look back in wonder at the genius of “Cold Slither.” An episode of G.I. JOE: A Real American Hero, “Cold Slither” begins with the Joes successful raid of a Cobra treasure stash leaving poor Cobra Commander (Christopher Collins) effectively broke. We even get a scene of Cobra soldiers (still dressed in their uniforms) attempting to apply for unemployment. LOL. And the Joes invade Cobra’s headquarters only to find Xamot (Michael Bell) and Tomax (Corey Burton) auctioning off whatever isn’t nailed down to potential buyers including Mumar Qaddafi, Fidel Castro, and the Ayatollah Khomeini. It’s hard to be a henchman.
The real fun, however, begins with Cobra Commander’s plan on how to earn some quick cash. And here’s where things get increasingly insane. After stealing some quick cash from a loan shark (while expertly disguised), the Commander and Destro (Arthur Burghardt) dress up Zartan (Zack Hoffman) and the Dreadnoks as a rock band making use of Destro hiding subliminal messages within the music. And thus, G.I JOE: A Real American Hero gives us the band Cold Slither, playing their song “Cold Slither” from their album Cold Slither. This might be the best thing ever.
It turns out the messages hidden in the music turn its listeners into zombies, including a few Joes such as Shipwreck (Neil Ross), Footloose (Will Ryan), and Breaker (Collins), and the MPs sent to bring back the AWOL soldiers, which alerts the rest of the Joes something odd is going on but not before Cold Slither has managed to sell out a stadium concert full of brainwashed hostages that Cobra plans to ransom. The Joes plan to stop them involves dressing up Cover Girl (Libby Aubrey), Scarlett (B.J. Ward), and Lady Jaye (Mary McDonald-Lewis) as groupies (because of course it does) and putting them in the band’s dressing room before the trio take control of the zombified audiences and have them in unison chant “Cobra Commander is a clown.” Give writer Michael Charles Hill all the Emmys.
Just when you think things couldn’t get any crazier, or more wonderful, the Joes (in an attempt to mollify the now freed hostages demanding to see a band) decide to put on a concert of their own giving us The Average Joe Band singing a version of the show’s theme song set to a sped-up beat not all that dissimilar to “Cold Slither.” And thus ends one glorious half-hour of television made to sell toys and which will leave you with “Cold Slither” stuck in your head for the next several hours. Now you know.
