Transformers

Transformers 3 brought to you by Michael Bay and Lenovo

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Transformers: Dark of the Moon
  • IMDB: link

transformers-dark-of-the-moon-posterIt’s official, Michael Bay can now be legitimately named the serial rapist of my childhood. Three Transformers movies and the man still doesn’t know what the hell a robot is (let alone a Transformer). Short version: Despite showing a momentary early glimmer of promise of not totally sucking, the film wastes what little it had going for it by making a series of mistakes and beating you down with a level of stupidity it’s hard to believe was done on purpose. For the first, but certainly not the last, time in this review, let me just say: Fuck you Michael Bay.

What works? The special effects are well done. The 3D isn’t Avatar level but is still impressive. Everything else? Hold on to your seats boys and girls this is going to get messy. Spoilers be damned, I’ve got a hellova lot to talk about. You’ve been warned!

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Transformers 3 brought to you by Michael Bay and LenovoRead More »

Transformers 3 brought to you by Michael Bay and Lenovo Read More »

New Transformers trailer further desecrates my childhood

/ / Film News & Trailers
  • Title: Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon
  • IMDB: link

I’m pretty sure Michael Bay doesn’t know the difference between robots and monsters. And that’s only one of my complaints with this first trailer for third movie in Michael Bay’s reimagined version of the Transformers franchise. Shia LaBeouf returns (with Victoria Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley standing  in for Megan Fox) for Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon which has something to do with the discovery of Transformers on the moon in the 1960’s (which I’m assuming we used to reverse engineer the Walkman?), a pissed off Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen), and metal bugs and snakes attacking the Earth. Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Malkovich, John Turturro, and Alan Tudyk also star. Hugo Weaving returns as the voice of Megatron and Leonard Nimoy will voice Sentinel Prime. The further desecration of my childhood will begin on July 1st.

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The Transformers have Fallen and they can’t get up

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
  • IMDB: link

transformers-revenge-of-the-fallen-posterI hated Michael Bay’s first Transformers, and this second installment is more of the same only longer, louder, sleazier, and (if possible) dumber.

Part Deux is filled with lazy humor, cheap gags (such as multiple shots of humping dogs and robots), a confusing and ridiculous plot (which is so inane characters twice have to stop and explain it not only to us but each other), big, though not too impressive, special effects, and little else. It’s obvious that Bay and screenwriters Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci, and Alex Kurtzman love robots (wait, it took three of you to write this movie?). What isn’t obvious is if they give two shits about Transformers, or their fans.

Once again we’re given a plot which has more to do with Sam (Shia LaBeouf) learning a life-lesson and Megan Fox looking hot than Autobots or Decepticons. In fact the Decepticons aren’t even the big baddie here, it’s the Fallen. What is the Fallen? Well, you see, he’s one of a race of seven Primes, ancient Transformer brothers… (the sound you just heard was me dying a little inside).

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The Transformers have Fallen and they can’t get up Read More »

Less, Far Less, Than Meets the Eye

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Transformers
  • IMDb: link

As a kid I had Transformers toys, I watched the television series without fail, and collected the original Marvel Comics Transformers series (all 80 issues and those lame cross-over mini-series too!).  So the fanboy in me was ecstatic when I learned that a live-action film of the comics, television show, and toys I grew up with was going to be attempted.  But when I heard that Michael Bay was going to head the project I felt less than thrilled.  Remember, this is from the guy who defended The Island, but I still doubted whether Bay could translate the stories of my youth to the big screen.  I shouldn’t have worried because he didn’t even try.  There isn’t a single recognizable moment from the Transformers of my childhood other than you’ve got robots that transform into objects and vehicles.  I am deeply saddened that Bay and his writers didn’t trust the source material and the original character designs and mythology choosing instead to throw out over twenty-years of history to do it their own way.  The result is less, far less, than meets the eye.

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Less, Far Less, Than Meets the Eye Read More »