Horror

The Vampire’s Assistant

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant
  • IMDB: link

vampires-assistant-posterI’m pretty sure Ed Wood would have loved Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant. Messy, flawed, riddled with odd choices and questionable casting, and stuck with a plot that make less, not more, sense as it progresses, The Vampire’s Assistant is in every way a B-movie. And, I’ll admit, I kinda liked it.

Based on a series of novels by Darren Shan the film’s main plot revolves around a rather bland high school student, Darren (Chris Massoglia), and his more rambunctious best friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson) whose main purpose it seems is to get Darren into as much trouble as possible.

A night out takes the pair to a freak show where events unfold that lead Darren into an agreement with vampire Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly) in order to save his friend. Leaving behind his life, Darren becomes part vampire, and begins his new life in the Cirque de Freak as Crepsley’s assistant.

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Jennifer’s got a smokin’ Body but no soul

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Jennifer’s Body
  • IMDB: link

jennifers-body-posterHere’s what I learned from Jennifer’s Body.

1) Academy Award nominated screenwriters are just as good at writing mediocre horror flicks as everyone else.

2) People should really stop giving Æon Flux director Karyn Kusama work.

And 3) Asked to do some real acting, and without Michael Bay’s lascivious ogling lens, Megan Fox (who isn’t allowed to straddle motorcycles in cut-offs here) isn’t nearly the same sexy siren her fans drooled over in the Transformers franchise.

The film isn’t awful, but it wastes what little it brings to the table by serving up a lukewarm TV dinner that fails to satisfy. Jennifer’s Body makes several errors on it’s way to Best Buy’s DVD bargain bin, some of which I’ve summarized below.

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Wolves at the Gate

/ / Comics
  • Title: Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season Eight – “Wolves at the Gate”
  • Comic Vine: link

Drew Goddard picks up the reigns for a four-part storyline, out today in trade paperback, which returns a villain from Season Five (no, not Glory) and a few other surprises as well including Buffy’s night of passion being interrupted by, well, everyone and an oversized street fight between giant Dawn and Mecha-Dawn on the streets of Tokyo.  Throw in great one-liners and more serious heartbreak for Xander and you’ve got a winner.  This is by far the funniest, and the finest, story arc from Season 8 yet!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8 #12-15

“Oh, hi Buffy.  Hi nude Asian girl….How much Dramamine did I take?”

Drew Goddard takes over the reigns here to bring us a tale packed with humor in an issue you don’t want to miss.  Goddard penned a few episodes of Angel Season Five (most notably “Lineage” and “The Girl in Question”).  As he did in those episodes he takes on some serious issues, but brings plenty of funny, too!

The issue begins with a cute awkward conversation between Xander and Renee and the invasion of Slayer central by wolves.  The tone of Xander is perfect here especially when Renee tells him simply to take her out and her asks “You want me to assassinate you?”  Classic Xander.

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Blindness

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Blindness
  • IMDB: link

“That’s impossible, nobody goes blind like that.”

It starts when a single man (Yusuke Iseya) experiences sudden blindness.  The condition quickly spreads around the city, and the government quarantines the infected, forcibly sending all of them to a military controlled facility.

The story has a good concept even if it doesn’t ever develop it fully.  Based on the novel by Jose Saramango there are two main themes at work here.  The first, and less interesting, is how quickly and easily humans devolve into animals given a crisis.  Events in the quarantine facility soon destroy social convention and niceties leading to riots over food, war, murder, and rape.  Not the prettiest of pictures, even for the blind.

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7 Lessons from the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
  • IMDB: link

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor is the latest from the movie franchise which has spawned prequels and sequels.  Brandon Frasier returns to stop a Mummy, this time with the help of Maria Bello (who takes over for Rachel Weisz), their brash young son (Luke Ford, in a performance everyone will want to forget), and a mysterious Asian woman (Isabella Leong) who holds answers to their questions.

Ridiculous from beginning to end, instead of a review I’m going to give you some of the “highlights” of the flick which provides some lessons worth discussing.  For more on the ins and outs of the film itself check out Ian’s review.

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