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Assassin’s Creed

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Assassin’s Creed
  • IMDb: link

Assassin's Creed movie reviewStop when this gets too silly for you. For hundreds of years a creed (which is the franchise’s term for ill-defined shadowy group) of assassins has been in a secret war with the Knights Templar over control of a divine object know as the Apple that has to power to remove free will from all humankind. The Templars wish to use it to subjugate the human race. To find the lost artifact, the Templars steal a career criminal (Michael Fassbender) from his execution and hook him up to a machine which reads genetic memories from his code so he can relive his ancestor’s experiences while jumping around tied to a giant metal arm with those experiences manifested around him as ghostly visages.

Still with me? In charge of the project is a die-hard believer (Jeremy Irons) and his daughter the scientist (Marion Cotillard) who needs a blood descendant of the last person to have the Apple to lead the Templars to it (on the assumption that no one could have possilby found and/or moved it in more than half a millennium). The only way to find the Apple is to have these decedents of various assassins relive the experiences (gaining knowledge, purpose, and murderous skills which, of course, will eventually backfire on the evil corporation).

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Olympus – Truth

/ / Television Reviews
  • Title: Olympus – Door to Olympus
  • IMDb: link

Olympus - Truth

Olympus concludes with a deafening thud as The Mercenary (Tom York), Medea (Sonita Henry), the Oracle (Sonya Cassidy), and Daedalus (Matt Frewer) struggle to find footing in the time-displaced reality of the gods where they make their way through labyrinths and visions only to discover the opportunity to view their most treasured desire is (like the series) an empty promise leaving them to be harshly judged by the gods and each other as the series comes to a close.

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Showgirls

/ / Home Video
  • Title: Showgirls
  • IMDb: link

ShowgirlsLet’s get something straight, Showgirls is a terrible movie. You can argue director Paul Verhoeven and writer Joe Eszterhas‘s 1995 train wreck is a guilty pleasure or falls into the “so good it’s bad” category (neither of which I agree with), but you can’t convince me by any measurable standard that Showgirls could ever be considered a good film. Some argue it’s satire, which it is, but good satire has something to say about its subject while Showgirls only has something to show while expecting a generous tip in its g-string for the trouble.

Elizabeth Berkley stars as stripper Nomi Malone whose dream of becoming Las Vegas showgirl which becomes a reality after meeting the depraved star of the show (Gina Gershon) and her equally-lecherous boyfriend (Kyle MacLachlan). What follows is a poorly written, with equally bad acting, tale of backstage politics, sex, backstabbing, revenge, and a brutal gang rape scene between Nomi’s roommate (Gina Ravera) and a celebrity’s (William Shockley) posse.

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The Mysteries of Laura – Pilot

/ / Television Reviews
  • Title: The Mysteries of Laura – Pilot
  • IMDb: link

“I’m just a mother with a shiny badge, a loaded gun, and very little patience.”

The Mysteries of Laura - Pilot

Wow, I have to wonder how bad were the pilots NBC decided to pass on? Despite a likable star in Debra Messing and the surprise of Enrico Colantoni in a guest role as the main character’s superior officer, the “Pilot” episode of NBC’s adaptation of the Spanish television series Los misterios de Laura is awkward in its best moments (which are few and far between). Messing stars as recently separated single mom and Homicide Detective Laura Diamond who apparently will juggle the stress of a cliched version of motherhood involving terror twins (Charles Reina, Vincent Reina) and a doofus husband (Josh Lucas) while attempting to solve the murder of the week.

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Silver Surfer #4

/ / Comics

Silver Surfer #4And I’m done. I’ve become increasingly less interested in writer Dan Slott’s new version of the Silver Surfer as the series has gone on. Returning Dawn Greenwood to Earth the Surfer encounters the Guardians of the Galaxy (in a shoehorned movie reference) whose treatment of the Marvel Universe’s most noble and tragic character makes as little sense as Slott continuing to fill the Surfer’s dialogue with various pop culture references. Sigh.

Removing his silver coating again (which still makes NO GODDAMN SENSE as it has been long-established that he’s no longer human underneath) we even get Norrin Radd stuffing himself full of Clam Chowder. Groan.

And on attempting to leave our hero finds himself trapped inside the barrier long since removed by Galactus meaning the most interesting aspect not toyed with in Slott’s version of the character (his limitless ability to travel across all of space) has been removed along with his dignity and nobility. Kill me now.

[Marvel, $3.99]

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