1.5 Razors

Angel Has Fallen (And Can’t Get Up)

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Angel Has Fallen
  • IMDB: link

Angel Has Fallen movie reviewGerard Butler returns as Secret Service Agent Mike Banning who was introduced in the dumb, and not really that much fun, Olympus Has Fallen. Things haven’t changed much. The sequel frames the decorated agent as the mastermind behind the assassination attempt of the President (Morgan Freeman). Armed with circumstantial evidence, and ignoring the agent saving the President’s life and his service record, a dimwitted FBI Agent (Jada Pinkett Smith) fingers Banning for the bad guy while his friends at the Secret Service do nothing to help. Luckily for our hero, the real villain is just stupid enough to not only fail to kill his patsy but also arrange for his escape allowing Banning to go on the run and attempt to clear his name.

Since it isn’t much of a list, let’s look at what works in the film. I’m always happy to see Piper Perabo who offers the film’s best performance as Banning’s wife, angry at him for keeping secrets about his health but not enough to believe her husband has become a terrorist. And second, there’s Nick Nolte who is the only one having fun in this dog of a movie that takes the ridiculous events far too seriously.

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Hellboy

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Hellboy (2019)
  • IMDb: link

Hellboy movie reviewGuillermo del Toro‘s Hellboy was a flawed film whose biggest asset was the casting of Ron Perlman as the gruff Hell-spawn destined to end the world, but in the meantime work to fight off monsters and things that go bump in the night for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense, originally created by comic writer-artist Mike Mignola. Fixing some of the mistakes from his original film, the director went back the drawing board delivering the superior Hellboy II: The Golden Army four years later, but for more than a decade the character has been confined to the comic page (and some straight-to-DVD animated releases).

Director Neil Marshall‘s reboot is a joyless exercise, despite some impressive (and almost always gory) visuals. David Harbour, now cast as the hard-drinking big red hero out to save the world, lacks Perlman’s charm that helped cut through the character’s dickish behavior. What’s so sad about the finished project is that there was obvious understanding and love for the character and universe Mignola created as screenwriter Andrew Cosby squeezes several well-known characters into the story including Nimue (Milla Jovovich), Baba Yaga (Troy James), and Benjamin Daimio (Daniel Dae Kim), among others.

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Bikini Chain Gang

/ / Home Video
  • Title: Bikini Chain Gang
  • IMDb: link

Bikini Chain Gang DVD review2004’s Bikini Chain Gang was a made-for-TV erotic thriller. It’s the kind of low-rent, poorly written and poorly acted, and highly sexualized movie you might find late night on Showtime or Cinemax. It appears this was made $12.50 on a lazy summer day by those with only a loose understanding of what a movie is.

We begin with a waitress (Beverly Lynne) unwilling to put out for her sleazy boss being framed as an accomplice to a robbery and sent to a Maximum Security Prison where she finds herself at the mercy of a sadistic prison guard (Nicole Sheridan).

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Red Sparrow

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Red Sparrow
  • IMDb: link

Red Sparrow movie review

Adapted from Jason Matthews‘ 2013 novel of the same name (which apparently “borrowed” heavily from Black Widow‘s comic history), and starring Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Lawrence, Red Sparrow is a disappointment in every since of the word. This movie is B-A-D. A slow burn spy thriller, with jolts of quick-cut stylized action, plot holes big enough to drive the Death Star through, and sex scenes so laughable only Showgirls fans can truly appreciate them, the film is a complete waste of time for everyone involved. For the audience, it’s an excruciating, although sometimes laughably bad, experience.

We open with a career-ending injury for Russian prima ballerina Dominika Egorova (Lawrence) leading her uncle (Matthias Schoenaerts) to ship her off to become a spy trained trained not in espionage, weapons, or spycraft, but only seduction. After a relatively short stay, Dominika is thrown into the field to seduce an American agent (Joel Edgerton) in hopes that he might give up the name of a mole within the Russian government. Of course our girl, with no real training, will out-fox both American and Russian spies to further her own agenda.

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Hawaii Five-0 – A’ole e ‘olelo mai ana ke ahi ua ana ia

/ / Television Reviews
  • Title: Hawaii Five-0 – A’ole e ‘olelo mai ana ke ahi ua ana ia
  • wiki: link

Hawaii Five-0 - A'ole e 'olelo mai ana ke ahi ua ana ia TV review

Most, but not all, of Hawaii Five-0‘s cast returns for the show’s Eighth Season which gets off to a rocky start. The departure of Daniel Dae Kim and Grace Park as series regulars opens the door for the new character of Tani Rey (Meaghan Rath), a brash young recruit who joins the team after a hacker (Joey Lawrence) releases a mad arsonist (Randy Couture) from prison. Honestly, I’m not sure Park and Kim could have helped save this episode which offers not one but two cliched bad guys, hacker computer magic, and half the island on fire to show off that McGarrett (Alex O’Loughlin) is still the show’s resident Superman (despite the foreshadowing of potential health issues for the character).

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