1.5 Razors

Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter

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  • Title: Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter
  • IMDb: link

An odd mix of western and horror genres, Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter leads a betrayed Jesse James (John Lupton) and his wounded friend Hank Tracy (Cal Bolder) to the door of Dr. Frankenstein’s granddaughter (Narda Onyx) continuing her family’s experiments along with the help of her reluctant brother (Steven Geray) in and abandoned mission in the Old West.

Various subplots include the outlaw who betrayed Jesse hunting him down and a local woman (Estelita Rodriguez) who leads a desperate Jesse to the Frankensteins, despite knowing how dangerous they are. Made as part of a double feature for Saturday matinees (both it and Billy the Kid Versus Dracula were filmed in a combined 8 days), the film is cheap, rushed, and isn’t much notable for anything other than its bizarre premise.

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The King’s Man

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  • Title: The King’s Man
  • IMDb: link

Removing all the humor, and most of the over-the-top action, from the franchise, writer/director Matthew Vaughn delivers the dreary prequel The King’s Man. Set during World War I, the film isn’t about the creation of the Kingsman but instead the story of the man (Ralph Fiennes) who would eventually put the group together and his turbulent relationship to his son (Harris Dickinson). As in the other films, there is, of course, a secret organization led by a Scottish madman behind the events of WWI whose reveal turns out to be as lame as the rest of the film.

I can only assume that such an ill-conceived project was the result of a bet that Vaughn couldn’t create a Kingsman film as a drama. Turns out he can, just not a good one. Gemma Arterton steals one nice moment as the maid turned super-spy, the rest is entirely forgettable. What a waste of time for an increasingly irrelevant franchise.

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Yakuza Princess

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  • Title: Yakuza Princess
  • IMDb: link

Yakuza Princess is as dumb, although sadly not nearly as bonkers, as its title suggests. The straight-faced Brazilian martial arts film is a joyless experience that struggles with a heavy dramatic tone that simply doesn’t fit the B-Movie plot of a Yakuza leader’s daughter (MASUMI) and an amnesiac assassin (Jonathan Rhys Meyers) coming together to find their destiny.

The tone is completely wrong for a film that struggles to entertain for more than a few minutes at a time over its near two-hour running time. While there is some action to be had, it’s few and far between and nothing compared to the Japanese films Yakuza Princess hopes to emulate. Instead we’re left with a dour drama about destiny as not one but two characters previously oblivious to their connection to the Yakuza discover their path in the world as they get caught up in a war within the syndicate. 

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The Matrix (Zombie) Resurrections

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  • Title: The Matrix Resurrections
  • IMDb: link

What a piece of shit. I’m pretty sure The Matrix Resurrections exists solely to shut-up people who thought it was impossible to make a Matrix film worse than The Matrix Revolutions. Well, there’s no argument now. Holy fuck, this movie is awful while constantly preening at the camera (often in bad makeup) smugly thinking it’s the shit by repackaging fan fiction takes on The Matrix as original content.

The reimagining/sequel brings back Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss, along with a few other familiar faces, while recasting other key roles, relying completely on nostalgia and emotion for the original film (often restaging or simply replaying  scenes), and blending that all together in a mishmash of half-baked ideas that ignores as much about the original films and characters as it uses when it suits the film’s purposes.

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The Voyeurs

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  • Title: The Voyeurs
  • IMDb: link

The Voyeurs

The Voyeurs is an thrill-less tale of a naïve couple too cute for their own good (Sydney Sweeney and Justice Smith) who become obsessed watching their neighbor’s (Ben Hardy) sexual antics from their apartment window. Dragged down by a sluggish pace, questionable acting, and an increasingly absurd storyline, the movie from writer/director Michael Mohan is barely salacious let alone the erotic thriller it aspires to be. The Voyeurs is flaccid for most of its two-hour run-time.

After meeting their neighbor’s wife (Natasha Liu Bordizzo), who they’ve watched the photographer cheat on with a revolving door of models he’s brought into the apartment, Pippa (Sweeney) becomes overly invested in what’s occurring across the street leading to a series of bad decisions, and insane twists (each less believable than the last), before the movie mercifully comes to an end.

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