1.5 Razors

Australia, The Movie That Wouldn’t End

  • Title: Australia
  • IMDB: link

Australia is a mess; it’s at times a pretty mess, but a mess nonetheless.  The seemingly endless tale of a dover and an aristocrat, and a Aboriginal child, and an evil cattle baron and his evil assistant, of cattle drives and social conventions, and so much more, would have been better suited for a mini-series than a single feature film.  Instead we get at least 12 hours of plot cut together into a 3 hour movie.  The result is less than spectacular.

Where to begin?  Director and co-writer Baz Luhrmann gives us an epic (in time though not scope) tale about Australia.  Over the course of nearly 3 hours we follow the troubles and tribulations of our main characters, plus many side tales, until finally it all mercifully comes to an end.

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Payneful

  • Title: Max Payne
  • IMDB: link

“I don’t believe in heaven.”

Sometimes I think the best job in the world would be as a writer for video games.  The plots don’t have to make sense, you don’t have to worry about logic or character development and the story is always a distant third to gameplay and effects.  If this is true then the hardest job around just might be the guy who has to take the nonsensical storyline of a video game and attempt to turn it into a feature film.  The result, more often than not, is something like Max Payne

The film is based on the Max Payne video game, so stay with me as I attempt to explain the plot.

Max Payne (Mark Wahlberg) is a police detective assigned as a file clerk to the Cold Case room in the bowels of the department.  Mostly Max looks angry/constipated as he sits at his desk going over files and in his spare time tries to solve the murder of his wife (Marianthi Evans) and daughter.

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Doll Domination

  • Title: The Pussycat Dolls – Doll Domination

The Pussycat Dolls’ second studio album contains 16 tracks on one disc.  The first single released from the album “When I Grow Up” hit #1 on Billboard’s Hot Dance Club Play.  Also included here ae “Bottle Pop,” “Takin’ Over the World,” “Happily Never After,” “I’m Done,” and “Whatcha Think About That” featuring Missy Elliott.

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The Women

  • Title: The Women
  • IMDB: link

“The spritzer girl?!”

For ten years Diane Enlgish has been trying to get this remake of the 1939 film off the ground.  Maybe she should have waited another decade or two.  Here’s a chick flick’s chick flick (with nary a man to be seen).  Despite having talent to spare there’s very little sign of life as the film comes in D.O.A.

The movie centers around do-it-all gal Mary Haines (Meg Ryan) who has time to work for numerous charities, raise her daughter (India Ennenga), and hang out with her best friends (Annette Bening, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett Smith), but is the last to discover that her husband is having an affair with a “spritzer girl” (Eva Mendes).

From here the film follows the drama of Mary’s struggle to come to terms with the situation mixed in with “humorous” moments.  Sadly however, aside from a short initial appearance by Candice Bergan as Mary’s mother, the film shows almost no signs of life whatsoever.

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My Other Best Friend’s Wedding

  • Title: Made of Honor
  • IMDB: link

“I want you to be my maid of honor.”
 
made-of-honor-poster

After realizing he loves his best friend, Tom (Patrick Dempsey) decides to pledge his love.  The only trouble is Hannah (Michelle Monaghan) has just gotten engaged to a Scottish noble (Kevin McKidd) and has asked Tom to be her maid of honor.  Of course he accepts (leading to mayhem) and tries to win her for himself (leading to mischief).

What follows is exactly what you’d expect.  Tom struggles with his duties as maid of honor and his inability to stop the wedding and tell Hannah his true feelings.

Although the film isn’t awful, it lacks any spark or reason for us to care about these people.  Hannah doesn’t seem better off with Tom or Colin than she would be on her own.  And Tom’s sudden need to express his feelings reeks more of desperation than true love.

Monaghan and Dempsey are fine in the leads, but they come off more as good friends than characters who the audience should be rooting to get together.

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