0 Razors

The Worst Movie Ever?

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Rating: NO STARS
  • Title: The Condemned
  • IMDB: link

There is a moment, one moment, in the film where a reporter (Angie Miliken) balks at the atrocity of a duel to the death battle royal and blames not only the creators of the show but the worldwide audience for tuning in.  For a split second the film takes a stand against decaying morality and standards, and the ill-effects of violence on our world.  And then it goes back and celebrates the same type of mindless torture it wanted to condemn for another half-hour.  I’ve always said Vince McMahon would strangle babies on stage for quarters if you let him, and here’s the film that proves me right. The Condemned might not be the worst film ever made, but it’s definitely in the conversation.

The set-up, basically stolen from The Running Man (a much better flick in every way possible), involves an unscrupulous television producer (Robert Mammone) who buys up death row inmates from around the world and drops them off on an island to kill each other.  The victor wins freedom, a big cash prize, and a trip off the island.

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The Worst Movie Ever? Read More »

Terry’s Train Wreck

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Tideland
  • IMDb: link

TidelandTideland is so bad you honestly wonder if it was made as a joke.  It makes Running Scared (if you forgot how much I detested that film check out the review) look merely mediocre.  It’s dreadful, and one of the worst films ever made.

The film opens with the heroin-addicted couple who use their daughter Jeliza-Rose (Jodelle Ferland) to prepare their needles.  After the mother (Jennifer Tily) dies of and overdose, Noah (Jeff Bridges) takes his daughter to the country to the abandoned farmhouse where he grew up.

There he promptly overdoes himself leaving Jeliza-Rose alone with his decomposing corpse in the middle of the living room.  She’s so screwed-up she doesn’t notice and walks around in her own fantasy world with her only friends, the detached heads of a handful of dolls.  Of course she has to periodically return and give the decomposing body a big hug.

Out one day she runs into a retarded young man named Dickens (Brendan Fletcher), and the evil-crone who takes care of him (Janet McTeer), who are just as screwed-up as she is, if not more so.  They also seem to live in a bizarre world not unlike young Jeliza-Rose.

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Terry’s Train Wreck Read More »

Be Very Afraid

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Running Scared
  • IMDb: link

Running Scared

I wonder how some films get made; I really do.  Running Scared is one of the worst movies to be dropped on an unsuspecting public in years.  I know I told you Freedomland was awful (and it was) but Scared digs deep down into the same pile of sludge and manages without much effort to be even worse.  The film uses issues – child abuse, murder. children shooting guns, torture, inappropriate sex, children being beaten and threatened with guns and knives, child molestation and child pornography, and the total legitimacy of blowing away the bad guys as the right thing to do – as empty plot devices to keep the “action” rolling right along.  Much like Freedomland the film doesn’t deal with any of these issues only exploits them for cheap thrills, but Scared does it over and over and over again with joyfully perverse glee. 

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Be Very Afraid Read More »

Further Adventures of Rubber Girl and Dog Boy

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: Underworld Evolution
  • IMDb: link

Underworld EvolutionI dislike movies where as an audience member I spend more thought on the story than the writers, closer attention to the dialogue than the actors, and a keener eye on storytelling than the director.  Underworld Evolution is just such a movie.

The movie begins with the back story explaining how the first vampire (Brian Steele) and the first werewolf were twin brothers and they were both imprisoned in order to halt the war between the vampires and werewolves.  William (the vamp) allows himself to be imprisoned so Viktor (Bill Nighy) won’t kill his brother, just imprison him.  Wow, lots of backstory we didn’t get in the first movie (probably because they hadn’t written it yet) and get ready to sit and listen to it be explained to you by Steven Mackintosh‘s character whose sole purpose in the film is to try and fill over the HUGE @#%*! plot holes in the barest cosmetic way.

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Further Adventures of Rubber Girl and Dog Boy Read More »

Sound of Thunder, Made by Idiots and Signifying Nothing

/ / Movie Reviews
  • Title: A Sound of Thunder
  • IMDB: link

a-sound-of-thunder-posterAside from possibly being the worst adapted sci-fi project ever, this is the longest 100 minute movie I have ever been forced to sit through.  Now I was pissed at Spielberg’s screwed up vision of Minority Report but even that becomes almost watch able compared to this reject.  It’s not just that it is so bad mind you, and it’s terrible by the way, it’s the mind boggling way in which the story is run into the ground through such staggering ineptitude.

It’s obvious that millions of dollars were spent, but my question is where did it all go?  The special effects look like they were done using early 80’s technology and the tone of the movie strays through every genre without getting a single one right for even an instant.  It’s quite a shame because the premise of the story, based of a Ray Bradbury short story of the same name, is actually quite interesting.  Sadly though they gave the rights to this group of hacks and the results are stunningly bad.

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Sound of Thunder, Made by Idiots and Signifying Nothing Read More »