One-Half Razor

The Beast in Heat

/ / Home Video
  • Title: The Beast in Heat
  • IMDb: link

The Beast in Heat Blu-ray reviewWhen you are looking at a film where the director and 90% of the cast refused to put their real names on the project, you know you found something pretty awful. An Naziploitation film co-written and directed by Luigi Batzella, under the pseudonym Ivan Kathansky, the film centers around the comings and goings around a Nazi POW camp during WWII where a mad scientist (Macha Magall) has created a human beast (Salvatore Baccaro). Apparently the Nazis have decided the best way to win over the locals is for the Beast to rape them into submission.

There’s nothing of merit and little of interest here. The film is a bizarre mix of unintentional camp mixed with gore, torture, shootings, and rape sequences. There’s also a subplot involving locals looking to derail the Nazi war effort who become prisoners the Dr. Kratsch (Magall) as well. Had the film thoroughly embraced its ridiculous nature and gone full camp it may have been semi-passable as a guilty pleasure. As is, it’s hardly watchable.

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Transformers vs. G.I. JOE #1

/ / Comics

Transformers vs. G.I. JOE #1By any definition Transformers vs. G.I. JOE #1 is a mess – one hell of a god awful mess. Written by Tom Scioli the story (such as it is) is a non-linear attempt to throw in as many characters from both franchises into a single comic without any attempt at all to create plot to tie the various panels together. Jumping wildly from one set of characters to another the comic reads like a giant finger to actual storytelling or some kind of poorly designed logic puzzle the creator actually needs your help to solve. In fact the comic makes so little sense IDW felt the need to include writer’s notes for every single page (taking up far too many pages of a $4 comic book) in an attempt to explain what the hell is going on.

If the story is crap the visuals aren’t that much better. Although I don’t have an issue with John Barber’s nostalgic throwback-style art of some of my favorite characters from both franchisees, I was very much distracted by the attempt to make the comic look like faded newsprint of an 80s comic on glossy current comic stock. The attempt to make the comic feel vintage actually makes it look incredibly cheap and (even more) half-assed. Pass.

[IDW, $3.99]

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Avengers Craptacular: Black Widow & Punisher

/ / Home Video
  • Title: Avengers Confidential: Black Widow & Punisher
  • IMDB: link

Avengers Confidential: Black Widow & PunisherI’m disappointed that DC Animation is headed full-speed into the New 52 era, but I guess I should count my blessings that despite falling from their former greatness at least they aren’t sharing the gutter with Marvel animation. There’s so much awful it’s impossible to know where to begin when discussing their latest straight-to-DVD feature Avengers Confidential: Black Widow & Punisher, but I’ll start here: This is the worst Punisher movie I’ve seen (and that’s saying something!).

The story features a forced team-up between T&A Bishoujo Black Widow (Jennifer Carpenter) and murdering Punisher (Brian Bloom) to take down the terrorist group Leviathan who is using stolen S.H.I.E.L.D. technology to create mind-controlled soldiers. Featuring an anime-inspired style Marvel has fallen in love with recently (and even DC is using more of), the storyline also involves Black Widow’s former lover turned terrorist (Grant George) and a mid-level thug (Kyle Hebert) the Punisher is killing his way through the streets to get his hands on.

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1994 – On Deadly Ground

/ / Home Video
  • Title: On Deadly Ground
  • IMDB: link

On Deadly GroundReleased 20 years ago today, On Deadly Ground is a clusterfuck even grading on a curve for a Steven Seagal film. Not only does Seagal star but he also directs for the only time in his career in this bizarre tale of a mystical martial artist turned environmental activist (and some sort of official investigator?) who saves the day, I shit you not, by blowing up an oil refinery in Alaska.

Insane doesn’t come close to explain the script by Ed Horowitz and Robin U. Russin, or Seagal’s directorial choices which include a bizarre Native American vision quest, torture, mercenaries from New Orleans (like you’d recruit or an Alaskan job), and the film’s villain (Michael Caine) literally being drowned in his own wealth. And all without an once of fun, logic, or sanity.

Somehow the film has managed to stay in-print on DVD both as a single film and part of Triple Feature with two more of Segal’s lesser films (Fire Down Below and Out for Justice) which would be a pretty cruel gift to anyone other than your mortal enemy.

[Warner Home Video, $14.00 / $14.98]

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Batman Incorporated #9

/ / Comics

Batman Incorporated #9As Batman, Alfred, Nightwing, and Red Robin lay Damian Wayne to rest Grant Morrison’s craptastic Leviathan storyline continues. Talia, her overgrown clone of a son, and the Leviathan troops are in control of Wayne Enterprises and issue demands for Batman to be banned from Gotham City and all of Batman Incorporated’s operations around the world to cease immediately.

Sure I could sit here and rip apart Grant Morrission’s “plot,” such as how Leviathan could ever make good on their threats, or the near-impossibility of removing all likenesses of Batman from a city in eight hours. Or I could simply point out the writer’s usual brand of mumbo-jumbo that the writer uses in place of actual plot.

Or I might mention how ridiculous the events covered in this storyline appear when (aside from Damian’s death) are completely being ignored in EVERY OTHER BATBOOK. You’d think Gotham under siege of a terrorist organization run by Batman’s former lover might be something that would effect other Batman-related comics.

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