Monster-In-Law

/ / Movie Reviews

The truth be told, I had a great time watching this film against all expectations. Enough so that it made me wonder how many great performances we’ve missed from Jane Fonda due to her 15 year acting hiatus. If Monster-In-Law is any indication, she’s got more than a handful left in her and I for one hope she’s given the chance to prove it.

Monster-In-Law
3 Stars

Let’s be honest here: Putting Jennifer Lopez’s name on a poster is almost a sure-fire way to kill my interest. I haven’t enjoyed a single thing she’s done since Out of Sight, and I can assure you that my love of that film has nothing to do with J-Lo. That being said, I was fairly uneasy about seeing Monster-In-Law, the new comedy starring the aforementioned Lopez. Obviously I survived the viewing, but how much damage was done?

In Theaters May 13th

Monster-In-Law must have been a perfect pitch to studio execs, coming as it did on the heels of Meet the Fockers (one of the highest grossing comedies of all time). “Hey, what about a ‘Meet The Parents’, but just for the ladies!” Great heaping bags of cash were soon doled out, I can assure you. The paper-thin premise is that Jennifer Lopez plays a struggling fashion designer (subtle plug or casting serendipity, you decide!) who gets by with a series of temp jobs. She soon meets the man of her dreams (Michael Vartan), but her life of bliss is soon interrupted upon meeting her man’s mom Viola (Jane Fonda), a former TV journalist who’s recovering from a recent nervous breakdown. Sparks fly and tensions flare, and before you know it it’s an all out war of attrition between the two possessive ladies.

Going off of the premise and the trailers I expected the very worst, but I failed to take into account one thing: Jane Fonda. It’s been 15 years since Fonda has appeared on screen (her last film was the 1990 DeNiro sap-fest Stanley & Iris), and a good 25 years since she’s done an all-out comedy (Nine To Five), but seeing her on the screen in Monster-In-Law, you’d swear she hasn’t missed a day since. Quite frankly, she is perfect as the domineering power-mom out to drive her soon-to-be-daughter in law out of her mind, and out of her son’s life. One moment she’s cool sophistication and the next she’s a barely contained train-wreck of neurosis, but every second she’s on-screen is just great. Fonda’s sass-filled exchanges with Wanda Sykes (playing the sassy assistant of course) deliver most of the solid laughs, and indeed lift the movie up from the pitfalls of it’s premise.

Not to say that Jennifer Lopez disappears in this film, as she does manage to stand her ground (if not actually hold her own) against Fonda, but her giggling free-spirit character is a mite hard to swallow from such a notorious glamour queen as herself. Lopez gets into the rhythm of the film as her character escalates her personal war, and outside of the obligatory sap (and slap) fest of the finale, I actually warmed up to her performance.

A stellar supporting cast is mostly wasted as Will Arnett (from Arrested Development) and Adam Scott deliver some great lines, but make infrequent and all too brief appearances in the film. Though in the end, Monster-In-Law is firmly about two divas going head to head, and there’s no room for the rest of the world. Outside of Michael Vartan, who is given absolutely nothing to do here but look dreamy and desirable, it’s a top-notch casting job, with the right amount of choice lines given to the auxiliary characters.

It’s not as if I can weigh Monster-In-Law to some high standard of film-making, but I will say that I was impressed with the lack of scatological or low-brow jokes that seem so ubiquitous in modern comedies. There’s no need to go for the gross-out when you’ve got a leading lady like Jane Fonda, and the humor is fitting for an actress of her caliber. To be sure, the courtship of Lopez and Vartan’s characters might require some viewers to reach for their insulin, but the sap factor is quickly demolished as Lopez and Fonda continually escalate the hostility and passive-aggressive battles to a level just shy of The War of the Roses mean-spirited bleakness. This is a battle that could only have sprung from the mind of two vengeful women, as each calculated maneuver so perfectly chips away at each other’s confidence while steeling their respective reserves.

The truth be told, I had a great time watching this film against all expectations. Enough so that it made me wonder how many great performances we’ve missed from Jane Fonda due to her 15 year acting hiatus. If Monster-In-Law is any indication, she’s got more than a handful left in her and I for one hope she’s given the chance to prove it

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Alone in the Dark

/ / Home Video

Released on DVD May 10He failed with bringing Sega videogame House of the Dead to the big screen, but hopefully director Uwe Boll finished his career with Alone in the Dark, yet another video game adaptation. This film is scary only on the bases that the studio thinks you should pay to see this horribly stupid catastrophy. What’s scarier yet is that I did pay to see it in the theater and now I am suffering through the DVD version; what I will sacrifice for our public. If this gives you any idea what you are in for, the film’s perspective is shared by the special effects coordinator John Sleep, who was responsible for the special effects on House of the Dead, Scary Movie 3 and Catwoman. I must say that those were pretty stellar films, NOT.

Alone in the Dark
Negative Stars

I must warn you that besides Uwe Boll and John Sleep with their proven bad taste, the film shares a crew with House of the Dead including producers, cinematographer, production designer, and art director; oh yes, you are in for a true treat here.

Any film that adds a pair of dark rimmed glasses to Tara Reid and assumes instant intelligent anthropologist, has serious issues. Tara Reid has one talent and one talent only, she looks hot to guys and drives women absolutely crazy. However, there is a couple of small perks to experiencing this close to crap film phenomenon and that is both Stephen Dorff and Christian Slater, not the best actors in the world, but certainly not bad to look at. Hey, they even figured out how to fit a sex scene in, Stephen and Christian were really hot in it, gotcha, the scene was between Tara and Christian. Yes, it was a little weird fitting in a love scene amongst monsters splattering humans in half and bullets blazing in the dark, but it was a necessary weakness.

That’s right I said it: bullets blazing. It was quite funny to see these weird demons of hell show up and not even 15 minutes later the Special Ops team, 7-13, would come crashing through the windows, heavy metal cued and fiery blazes of bullets sneaking past everybody only to hit the creatures. I am surprised that everybody didn’t get flattened by the stream of random ammo fire. Everything about this film failed, the premise, the acting, the style, all of it failed so bad that I must refer to the studios brief synopsis to explain the horror of yet another failed video game film.

You wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling someone is in the room with you. You get a flash of panic as you fumble for your bedside lamp. But when you turn on the light, no one is there.

“You wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling someone is in the room with you. You get a flash of panic as you fumble for your bedside lamp. But when you turn on the light, no one is there.”

“You might feel safe…but just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there. Watching. Waiting. Existing at the fragile boundaries of our perception. There is a world around us, a world most of us never see – or never want to see.”

“As a child, Edward Carnby was given irrefutable proof of that world. He hasn’t slept well since. Now, twenty years later, Edward is a paranormal investigator. When the irrational and the inexplicable become undeniable, he is there. He is not out to change your mind. But he may be the only one who can save your life.”

“Now, the greatest mystery of Edward’s past is about to become the most dangerous case he has ever faced. Nineteen people have disappeared, and they have only one thing in common – each one grew up in the same orphanage as Edward. Looking for answers, Edward learns that an ancient artifact of considerable power has been discovered in a long-lost shipwreck. Amidst mounting danger, he turns to Aline Cedrac, a brilliant anthropologist who’s also his ex-flame – and the only person he really trusts.”

“In a world of ancient evils, lost civilizations, shadowy government conspiracies, and deadly paranormal threats, Edward and Aline come together to confront a supernatural enemy unlike anything they’ve ever seen before…one whose very existence could threaten all of humankind.—© Lions Gate Films”

Wow, the studio was able to make it sound like a whole different film, I would love to see the one they just described above. I will give the film a fitting bonus to a different style of ending, it surely wasn’t expected. Oh, wait a moment, that same exact ending was on Resident Evil, sorry I tried to add something forgiving to this, but I couldn’t.

To sum this up, unless you are completely infatuated with really bad horror movies, a few low B-listed hot movie stars or enjoy DVDs just for the extras, DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME!

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Okay, you can panic a little

/ / Movie Reviews

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is not without it’s charms and moments of inspired absurdity, but ultimately it fails to come together enough to feel like a complete film, and instead settles for rewarding the long-time fans with in-jokes, references, and nods to the original source material, as well as it’s various incarnations.  Part of that incompleteness is due to the film’s obvious aspirations to being a multi-part series, but mostly it lies in the source material itself.  Viewed as one long novelized comedy skit, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy works as a brilliant piece of absurdist satire, but as a film it might leave you feeling cheerful and amused, but still a little bit let down.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy
3 Stars

In the over 25 years of being a bestselling cult classic Douglas Adams’ book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has been adapted for every medium except film.  After languishing in Development Hell, and having been passed from director to direction, Adams’ classic is finally on the big screen.  With a script from the author himself (which had been completed before his untimely death in 2001), former music video director Garth Jennings has crafted an adaptation that fans will recognize as utterly Adams, but with entirely new characters, sub-plots, and relationships that may leave long time readers feeling a bit confused. 

The Cult Classic finally arrives

The convoluted history of Hitchhiker’s is one filled with almost never-ending revisions, additions, and complete re-writes of what came before, most of which required of the reader to hold an almost blind faith towards its creator’s intention and vision.  Originally created for a BBC radio comedy show, Adams continually tweaked and altered his creation so many times that even the Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide collection requires a substantial introduction to explain the various changes and permutations the cult classic has endured throughout it’s lifespan.  So it’s no surprise that the new film version features a good 35 minutes of material that was created specifically for the film by Adams himself. 

In what the filmmakers almost surely intend to be the first of a series of films, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy tells the story of the ultimate everyman, Arthur Dent (Martin Freeman).  A man continually befuddled and confused by the world around him, Arthur wakes up one day to find bulldozers ready to demolish his home in order to make way for a new bypass.  His day only gets worse from there as his best friend Ford Prefect (Mos Def) arrives to tell Arthur that, not only is Ford actually an alien from somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, but that the Earth itself is set to be demolished in 12 minutes by a race out to create a new hyperspace lane.  Soon they’re bouncing across the galaxy with an on-the-run rock star styled President Zaphod Beeblebrox (Sam Rockwell), fellow human Trillian (Zooey Deschanel), and a manically depressed android (Alan Rickman) as they attempt to escape the ire of a race of ultimate bureaucrats while searching for the ultimate question of Life, The Universe, and Everything. 

With its absurdist Marx Brothers dialogue, distinctly British sensibility, and wild sense of high adventure, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy would seem like an easy transition to film, but there’s a reason it’s taken so long to actually get made.  Namely, there’s no real plot to the series, only breakneck paced episodes and (in what surely constitutes the majority of the text), the actual entries of the titular Guide itself.  So the idea that Adams and the filmmakers would create a wholly new plot, while strengthening the relationships of the characters should come as no surprise to those familiar with Adams’ less than reverential approach to his own work. 

So how does it work?  Only partially.  The Monty Python flavored opening sequence sets a standard that the film never really manages to reach.  In order to preserve the tone of the book, Jennings chose to make the Guide itself a sort of character, with various entries being read to the audience by the voice of the Guide (Stephen Fry), and displayed as a series of short animations.  These explanations are almost completely necessary to convey the mind-bending concepts of the Hitchhiker Universe, but only a few of the entries really connect, and the rest just stop the film in its tracks.  The character of Arthur Dent has been significantly beefed up from the novels (where he serves as sort of a dumbfounded substitute for the reader, only capable of reacting in stuttering gasps and complete befuddlement).  In the film, Dent is more of an active participant, out to find his place in the Universe and win the affections of Trillian, the adventurous girl he almost had, but lost to party crashing Beeblebrox.  And while Freeman’s portray of the constantly put upon everyman is absolutely spot on, the romantic comedy aspect of the film feels more like filler material than an essential element of the story, as do the newly created sub-plots and characters. 

Mos Def obviously had a lot of fun playing the Hunter S. Thompson-esque Guide writer Ford Prefect, and it’s almost impossible not to be infected by his madcap persona.  Sam Rockwell is perfectly cast as the completely deranged Beeblebrox, though flamboyant and egocentric madmen seem to be his stock in trade these days.  As the level headed Trillian, Zooey Deschanel makes it easy to understand why Arthur would be so hung up on her, but overall the film is completely stolen by Alan Rickman and Bill Nighy, whose Marvin the Paranoid Android and the world-designing Slartibartfast just ooze with easy brilliance perfectly suited to their roles and the spirit of Adams work. 

The design of the film is a clever mix of high-tech CGI and goofy costuming which works to give the movie a comfortable feel that should be easily recognizable and familiar to fans of British Sci-Fi.  The sets run from showroom floor clean (as befitting the newly christened ship Heart of Gold with which the main characters jet across the galaxy) to the lived in and grungy realism that George Lucas made work so well in the first Star Wars.  Jim Henson’s Creature Shop was responsible for the alien creations that pepper the film, which seems like an unlikely choice in an age where CGI characters are so readily available, but the design and execution of the various creatures lends the film a wonderful throwback quality that works in its favor.

Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is not without it’s charms and moments of inspired absurdity, but ultimately it fails to come together enough to feel like a complete film, and instead settles for rewarding the long-time fans with in-jokes, references, and nods to the original source material, as well as it’s various incarnations.  Part of that incompleteness is due to the film’s obvious aspirations to being a multi-part series, but mostly it lies in the source material itself.  Viewed as one long novelized comedy skit, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy works as a brilliant piece of absurdist satire, but as a film it might leave you feeling cheerful and amused, but still a little bit let down.

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xXx is for exXxtremely bad.

/ / Movie Reviews

Since audiences have shown Hollywood that even the most ridiculously inept drivel can pass as quality action fare, there’s no doubt that this cinematic train wreck will probably spawn yet another sequel of equally diminished return. Fans of incessantly awful cinema might find a timeless gem here, but only after a copious amount of heavy, heavy drinking and several swift punches to the skull.

xXx: State of the Union
Negative Stars

Lest it be thought that the following review is the work of some unabashedly elitist movie snob, let me say this: I absolutely adore action flicks. Bullets, grim heroes, and very large explosions tickle my fancy in ways even the greatest of dramatic works can’t achieve. Give me a beer, some popcorn, and some needlessly violent gunplay and I am one very happy monkey indeed. Hell, I even enjoyed The Rundown, and that starred Seann William Scott, an actor I would happily see brought before the International Court for crimes against humanity.

Oh, there but for the Grace of Vin Diesel go thee

The original xXx was made in a fairly callous attempt to kick the spy genre firmly away from its tuxedo-clad and upscale roots. Trading upper class education and high society for eXtreme sports and Hollywood envisioned street smarts, Vin Diesel’s growly charisma managed to give the film enough charm to keep it from being just a moronic 2 hour exercise in blowing stuff up.

Since the original film was a fairly successful endeavor, it is safe to say that the only thing that would have prevented this sequel from being made would have been the utter destruction of our universe, and even then it’d have a 50/50 chance of release. Hollywood proved long ago that it’s capable of existing in an airless vacuum.

Sadly, trading in Vin Diesel’s diminishing star power for the long-past faded Ice Cube is akin to trading your RC Cola for a Shasta, but in a move that should surprise only the most mind-bogglingly naïve moviegoer, that’s exactly what the makers of xXx: State of the Union have done for this incomprehensibly stupid action sequel.

This time around Ice Cube plays a former Navy Seal who is tapped to take the coveted title of xXx when a NSA facility in Virginia is attacked by unknown assailants. A returning Samuel L. Jackson, who must have some serious investments in the telecom industry, phones in his trademark performance as the gruff and wise intelligence operative who taps the incarcerated Cube to save the current slate of old, white men. Nona Gaye and Xzibit play the shady characters from Ice Cube’s mean streets past, while Michael Roof plays the tragically unhip Q to Cube’s Bond. Rounding out this sorry lot is a partially effective Scott Speedman and Willem “I can’t believe I’m actually doing this” Defoe.

Though the film is supposed to be a race-against-time action film about stopping a political coup (and settling an old score), the film takes so many ridiculous turns that it’s akin to reading Mad Libs submitted by local sanitarium patients. Plot and logic holes large enough to drive a jacked up and armored Ford Truck through take a film that could be dumb to a level of medical retardation. Remove the budget and big special effects, and replace Ice Cube with Lorenzo Lamas and xXx: State of the Union would be completely at home alongside the slew of arrestingly stupid action films that peppered cable movie channels throughout the late 80s and early 90s.  Rest asssured, those of you unwilling to pay 9 bucks to see it on the big screen will inevitably find it sandwiched between Coors and Axe ads on Spike TV.

If nothing else, perhaps film historians will one day look back and recognize State of the Union as the film that single-handedly set back race relations in America a good 15 years, as its characters are uniformly do-gooder thugs and back stabbing blue-bloods (An important lesson learned in the film is “don’t trust rich white chicks”). The filmmakers attempt a couple of clumsy stabs at showcasing the economic and social gap of Washington elites and the lower-class citizens who provide their basic services, but such moments are played for easy laughs rather than insightful commentary. Although on the surface a pro-American film, this mindless action film treads a pretty uneven political line. Chock full of class-warfare and sniping, what starts out as a PCP addled liberal conspiracy freak’s cautionary tale feels more like a Reagan era shoot-‘em-up with it’s main character’s motivation rooted more in vengeance than any sense of civic duty. Though conservative filmgoers will probably be a bit put off by the U.S. Army being portrayed as about an effective military force as Darth Vader’s Imperial Stormtroopers (who by all rights must surely be the Washington Generals of the cinematic military canon.)

Since audiences have shown Hollywood that even the most ridiculously inept drivel can pass as quality action fare, there’s no doubt that this cinematic train wreck will probably spawn yet another sequel of equally diminished return. Fans of incessantly awful cinema might find a timeless gem here, but only after a copious amount of heavy, heavy drinking and several swift punches to the skull.

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The Flower of My Secret

/ / Home Video

Spanish film maker Pedro Almodóvar (Bad Education and Talk To Her) softens his touch, bringing out some ugly realities to disappointment in life and love.

The Flower of My Secret
1 & 1/2 Stars

Released on DVD Spring 2005

Spanish film maker Pedro Almodóvar (Bad Education and Talk To Her) softens his touch, bringing out some ugly realities to disappointment in life and love.

Spanish film maker Pedro Almodóvar, known for such films as Talk to Her, Bad Education, and Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!, brings us a more down to earth story about a woman hitting a mid-life crisis, with all the bells and whistles. She gets to experience all the great shit that life likes to throw at you right at the point it is least invited.

A romance novelists, Amanda Gris is her secret identity, Leo Macias (Marisa Paredes) true name, is finding out that her life is ending up less and less like her romance novels and more like some form of nightmare. Leo finds out that her U.N. husband is no longer in love with her and has been sleeping with her best friend for years. He very seldom came home because his job required a great deal of travel and when he did come home he blamed Leo of being to sensitive and touchy about things. He would never call her, even if she had called and left plenty of messages. When she did get ahold of him he was short and impatient with her. This treatment only steamed and motivated Leo into great depths of depression and writing. She began writing the exact opposite of her romance novels and started writing about death and mystery. When she finished her first novel in it’s new form and presented it to her publisher he turned it down for content, he reminded her that she was under contract to write fluffy trashy romance novels. This request gave Leo a great deal of difficulty because the last thing she was feeling was love and romance.

Her best friend had suggested that she go and visit with a newspaper editor, Angel (Juan Echanove), so she could find a different outlet for her depression and her writing abilities. When meeting with Angel, Leo had seen an Amanda Gris book on his desk and asked who was the fan. He had replied that he was a huge fan of Amanda’s work and has a pro column on her novels. Leo had shown much disappointment and disgust towards her book, she had wanted to think about other types of writing not writing a column on how great her hidden personality is. Angel had suggested that maybe she writes a column disputing his on Amanda Gris’ novels and her ability to write; Leo, deciding that wasn’t the best thing for her, leaves Angel wishing he had not suggested it in the first place. Later on down the line Angel called her and said that her writing was so brilliant that she most certainly publish the book she had provided to him for samples and he was to help her. With a renewed since of confidence she tells her publisher to F-off and goes home ready to give it one last try with her husband.

When her husband shows up she finds out all about the cheating and the deception and in a fit of depression she makes an effort to overdose. A call from her mother saying she was going back to the village and nobody truly cared set a fire under her and she made herself throw up and get out of the apartment. Even though Leo got out of the apartment she headed straight for a bar, not a good idea. Leaving the bar in a ray of despair she runs into Angel, who takes her to her mom and drives them to the old village. There Leo is nurtured back to health and accidentally shared with Angel who she truly is, Amanda Gris. Angel had been smitten with her before, but now he can’t help himself. Knowing that her husband is out of the picture and Leo could use a shoulder to cry on, Angel puts himself right there by her side and shows Leo that life isn’t over yet.

Leo picks herself up and gets her mystery published and finds just the right pair of boots to fit her in the end.

Not a typical edgy charactered film for Pedro Almodóvar and a little slow, but certainly a great story. Most women can relate to what Leo was going through, if not in all areas then some. I get what it’s like to be disappointed in what seems so comfortable and finding it hard to leave what you know, but taking the risk and making that leap of faith is all part of life. Everyday somebody is getting the shit end of the deal, it’s how you deal with it that makes you who you are.

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