Released on DVD May 10He failed with bringing Sega videogame House of the Dead to the big screen, but hopefully director Uwe Boll finished his career with Alone in the Dark, yet another video game adaptation. This film is scary only on the bases that the studio thinks you should pay to see this horribly stupid catastrophy. What’s scarier yet is that I did pay to see it in the theater and now I am suffering through the DVD version; what I will sacrifice for our public. If this gives you any idea what you are in for, the film’s perspective is shared by the special effects coordinator John Sleep, who was responsible for the special effects on House of the Dead, Scary Movie 3 and Catwoman. I must say that those were pretty stellar films, NOT.
Alone in the Dark
Negative Stars
I must warn you that besides Uwe Boll and John Sleep with their proven bad taste, the film shares a crew with House of the Dead including producers, cinematographer, production designer, and art director; oh yes, you are in for a true treat here.
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Any film that adds a pair of dark rimmed glasses to Tara Reid and assumes instant intelligent anthropologist, has serious issues. Tara Reid has one talent and one talent only, she looks hot to guys and drives women absolutely crazy. However, there is a couple of small perks to experiencing this close to crap film phenomenon and that is both Stephen Dorff and Christian Slater, not the best actors in the world, but certainly not bad to look at. Hey, they even figured out how to fit a sex scene in, Stephen and Christian were really hot in it, gotcha, the scene was between Tara and Christian. Yes, it was a little weird fitting in a love scene amongst monsters splattering humans in half and bullets blazing in the dark, but it was a necessary weakness.
That’s right I said it: bullets blazing. It was quite funny to see these weird demons of hell show up and not even 15 minutes later the Special Ops team, 7-13, would come crashing through the windows, heavy metal cued and fiery blazes of bullets sneaking past everybody only to hit the creatures. I am surprised that everybody didn’t get flattened by the stream of random ammo fire. Everything about this film failed, the premise, the acting, the style, all of it failed so bad that I must refer to the studios brief synopsis to explain the horror of yet another failed video game film.
You wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling someone is in the room with you. You get a flash of panic as you fumble for your bedside lamp. But when you turn on the light, no one is there.
“You wake up in the middle of the night with the feeling someone is in the room with you. You get a flash of panic as you fumble for your bedside lamp. But when you turn on the light, no one is there.”
“You might feel safe…but just because you can’t see something doesn’t mean it’s not there. Watching. Waiting. Existing at the fragile boundaries of our perception. There is a world around us, a world most of us never see – or never want to see.”
“As a child, Edward Carnby was given irrefutable proof of that world. He hasn’t slept well since. Now, twenty years later, Edward is a paranormal investigator. When the irrational and the inexplicable become undeniable, he is there. He is not out to change your mind. But he may be the only one who can save your life.”
“Now, the greatest mystery of Edward’s past is about to become the most dangerous case he has ever faced. Nineteen people have disappeared, and they have only one thing in common – each one grew up in the same orphanage as Edward. Looking for answers, Edward learns that an ancient artifact of considerable power has been discovered in a long-lost shipwreck. Amidst mounting danger, he turns to Aline Cedrac, a brilliant anthropologist who’s also his ex-flame – and the only person he really trusts.”
“In a world of ancient evils, lost civilizations, shadowy government conspiracies, and deadly paranormal threats, Edward and Aline come together to confront a supernatural enemy unlike anything they’ve ever seen before…one whose very existence could threaten all of humankind.—© Lions Gate Films”
Wow, the studio was able to make it sound like a whole different film, I would love to see the one they just described above. I will give the film a fitting bonus to a different style of ending, it surely wasn’t expected. Oh, wait a moment, that same exact ending was on Resident Evil, sorry I tried to add something forgiving to this, but I couldn’t.
To sum this up, unless you are completely infatuated with really bad horror movies, a few low B-listed hot movie stars or enjoy DVDs just for the extras, DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME!