2007 turned out to be a pretty darn good year for films, but not all of them were winners. Here are the ten worst films I struggled to sit through, and barely survived. The list consists of four decidedly unfunny romantic comedies (two of which star the lady to the right), Eddie Murphy’s worst film in years, a sci-fi flick, a horror flick, robots in disguise, and more, including the worst film of the year. Check inside the Full Diagnosis for the full list (and be glad you didn’t have to sit through all ten!).
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Before we get to the list here’s a few films which narrowly missed the list but deserve dis-honorable mention – Blood and Chocolate, P.S. I Love You, Fred Claus, Ghost Rider, and Hitman. Also it should be noted I missed out (darn!) on such films as Daddy Day Camp, Mr. Woodcock, Captivity, Awake, Good Luck Chuck, and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry which all seem like worthy candidates for such a list.
10. Next
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It was a hard call between which of Nicolas Cage’s two insanely bad films would make the list. Next beats out Ghost Rider (read that review) for the honor for its utter stupidity (and lack of any flaming skull special effects). Now I’ll admit it’s not the easiest thing to do to translate a Philip K. Dick tale onto the big screen but it has been done better than this, most recently 2006’s A Scanner Darkly (read the review). The story here involves some schmuck (Cage) who can look into the future, but only two-minutes into the future (except when the film needs him to look further, and then he can). The film is filled with huge plot and logic holes, and Jessica Biel shows up as the love interest just to make sure to curse the flick to forgettable mediocrity. Julianne Moore shows up for yet another insanely bad career turn (remember Freedomland? I wish I didn’t!). The science fiction elements never come together, the stunts are largely forgettable, and the acting is substandard at best. Next fails both as a sci-fi flick and an action flick. Thankfully Nicolas Cage’s Next film was better!
9. The Ex
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What’s most frustrating about The Ex (and it’s hard to choose since the whole film makes you angry enough to punch out a nun!) is the waste of obvious talent. Zach Braff, who three years ago gave us Garden State (read the review), along with Jason Bateman and Amanda Peet, both talented performers who seem to be cursed to be cast in mostly mediocre projects, are all wasted in a film that makes each of them dumb, drab, boring, and unfunny. Charles Grodin doesn’t fair much better. The jokes, the stuff of stale sitcoms and all of which you will see coming, fall flat, and the actors are made to stand in front of the camera and preen and smile knowing they may not pick up a single laugh from this project but at least they will get a check. In the film an expecting couple (Braff, Peet) move back home so he can take a job in her father’s ad agency only to fall under the supervision of a paralyzed former boyfriend (Bateman) who tries to ruin Tom and win back his former love. Unless you want to sit through an unbearable comedy which doesn’t contain a single laugh I’d suggest giving this dud a wide berth.
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Ben Stiller needs to find a new shtick. In this remake of the 1972 film Stiller gives us the same old character he’s been doing for a decade. Here Stiller marries a woman (Malin Akerman) who he doesn’t know all that well and who changes so completely after their vows it’s impossible to believe: A) this is the same character, and B) some, if not all of her oddness and eccentricities wouldn’t have shown up before the marriage. What follows are a series of gags, pratfalls, misunderstandings and general nonsense. What doesn’t follow are laughs. Stiller’s reunion with the Farrelly Brothers comes far short in meeting expectations. There’s Something About Mary was fresh, unexpected, charming, and darn funny. The Heartbreak Kid is none of these things. This is regurgitated slop which relies solely on recycled and rejected jokes from better films. The plot makes little sense as characters and situations are constantly rearranged for the next gag instead of being part of a coherent or believable narrative. You should stay away from this one folks; it will break your heart.
7. Transformers
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The biggest disappointment of 2007 was Michael Bay’s adaption of a beloved childhood toy, comic, and cartoon franchise, The Transformers. Others might have been willing to accept it as a mindless (and oh boy is it ever!) action flick, but I could do little more than groan as the stars of the film, transforming robots from Cybertron, were relegated to special effects rather than fully thought-out characters. Instead we get some lame story about a kid (Shai LaBeouf) hunting for his grandfather’s glasses and a bunch of actors playing soldier in the desert. Bay delivers the bare minimum of explosions and eye-catching effects, with cheap laughs, but without a single interesting character or plot point. The script and design is alienating and completely unconnected to any Transformer product which has preceded it. This sure wasn’t made for fans. The film is made for a new teen audience caring only for lame jokes (like Bumblebee taking a leak??) and watching the geek get the hot young girl (Megan Fox). Thanks Michael Bay, you’ve turned The Transformers into Can’t Buy Me Love.
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I almost combined Mandy Moore’s two films together into one spot on the list, but as they are equally awful I decided they both deserved their own mention. License to Wed features Moore as a bride-to-be who attends a wedding preparation course with her fiance (John Krasinksi) led by a deranged preacher (Robin Williams) whose sole purpose is to destroy their relationship, cancel their marriage plans, and make them hate each other. Why? That’s a damn good question! His back-assword reasoning is if they get back together after this then they are truly meant to be together?! So let me get this straight, the film is about a minister who destroys peoples lives and happiness because he thinks it might (he has no idea if they will survive) improve their relationship? This is one of the stupidest ideas for a movie EVER! The stupidity of the plot is only outdone by the preposterous ending where the characters thank the priest for trying to destroy their lives! Aside from the usual Williams zaniness, which does deliver one or two laughs, there is nothing here but disaster and pain (for the audience, that is).
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Not satisfied with putting out one stupetifyingly insipid romcom a year Mandy Moore, this time with the help of Diane Keaton, Tom Everett Scott, Gabriel Macht, and Piper Perabo, earns a second spot on the list. Lifetime for Women was never this bad. The story involves an over-bearing and controlling mother (Keaton) cutely forcing men on her youngest daughter (Moore) by placing ads online for her. Unless you’ve got ovaries, or are legally brain-dead, this film is worse than Chinese water torture; it’s a chick flick on steroids. Disaster is the best word to describe this film which makes little sense and will give you even less enjoyment. The actors are cute, the situations are the stuff of your basic dumb romcom, and there isn’t a single genuine moment, emotion, performance, or laugh anywhere in its excruciatingly long 102 day (I mean minute, it just felt like days) running time. Unlike License to Wed which at least gave you some Robin Williams to take the sting off, there’s no antiseptic for this one. This film is painful to watch.
4. Norbit
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Just how bad was this film? It cost Eddie Murphy an Oscar, that’s how bad. Murphy seemed on the fast track last year for an Academy Award for Dreamgirls before voters heard about his next project, Norbit, and realized they couldn’t give out an award to anyone foolish enough to make this piece of shit. Murphy shows up in multiple roles here as both the timid title character and his ridiculous wife, Rasputia. By the way, the name Rasputia is about the only funny joke in the film (I just saved you a DVD rent fee). I didn’t think it was possible to make a full-feature film based on one fat joke but Murphy (who also co-wrote the film) finds a way to do it. That’s an achievement, sure its akin to shoving more ants up your nose than anyone ever has before, but its still an achievement. Sadly most of the jokes fall flat and this one-joke wonder runs out of steam almost before it starts. In a career that includes Beverly Hills Cop III, Daddy Day Care, Metro, Boomerang, and Another 48 Hrs., Norbit ranks as one of his biggest mistakes.
3. The Reaping
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Now it’s usually a good idea not to expect too much from a horror flick, but when it presents itself as an intelligent thriller and stars an Academy Award winning actress (Hilary Swank) you expect the film to be at least watchable. In The Reaping Swank stars as a debunker of religious phenomena who winds up in a southern town which is really going to Hell. Literally. We get locusts, frogs, rivers of blood, dying livestock, and more – all of it as bland as a Republican Presidential debate. From here the film follows the predictable formula of the unbeliever finding the faith and power to stop the evil, yada, yada, yada. For a film which puts the entire fate of the world in jeopardy it is one frightful bore. With this film Hollywood may have found a cure for insomnia. Full of inexplicable plot twists and bad, bad writing there’s nothing here to enjoy. And casting serious actors into a cheesefest like this only makes it more tedious and unbearable, where at least with unknowns it could be laughed off. Of all the disasters and curses shown the in film, none manage to be as awful as the film itself.
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What’s worse than a tedious horror flick? How about a tedious, religiously intolerant, distasteful, and bigoted film inspired by a true story. If you stay away from indie cinema you will have thankfully missed this turkey. And if you like independent films you probably won’t after watching this one. September Dawn tells the tale of the Mountain Meadows massacre where wagon train settlers were killed in the Utah territory by some of the most bloodthirsty and cowardly Mormons ever captured on film. Filled with laughable dialogue, inept acting, overall hamminess, and savage Mormons, the film would be a laugh-riot if it wasn’t so damn despicable. More like a big budget TV movie than a feature film September Dawn comes of as terrible at best, and the worst type of insensitive stylized propaganda at worst. It’s one of those films only the people who have seen it can understand just how gut-wrenchingly awful it truly is. In trying to create a film exploring fanaticism writer/director Christopher comes off as a fanatic himself, and a poor man’s Uwe Boll.
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Usually it’s hard to pick the worst film of the year. As I look back I can usually find two or three no-star blunders fighting for the coveted place at the top of the list. This year there was only one. As bad as everything on this list has been so far, here is, without question or rival, the worst film of 2007 – The Condemned. Cast with thespians who include former pro wrestlers, strongmen, and footballers the film epitomizes, in every way, the essence of a truly horrible film. Bad acting, horrible script, atrocious camera work, an ending you’ll see coming miles away, and an unapologetic brutality, make this not only a bad film, but an unforgivable one. It’s as poorly and unprofessional a film as you are likely to see outside an elementary school student film festival. Given the film star (Stone Cold Steve Austin) I’m sure the filmmakers (sorry can’t use that word to describe these people) assholes in charge believed the main audience for this was wrestling fans, I guess they simply decided they didn’t need to put forth any effort to make the film better a sharp kick in the nuts (it’s actually worse!).