Movie Reviews

por-nog-ra-phy: the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction; obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit.

That’s right, kiddies, porno isn’t just videotape of people with enhanced body parts going at it like epileptic jackrabbits in a skeezy motel room with synthesized elevator music playing in the background. Pornography is the 187 minutes of masturbatory CGI shenanigans I just had to endure, courtesy of one of my used-to-be favorite film-makers, Peter “I Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Editor” Jackson. The movie is way too long, the plot is wafer thin, and there was so much action constantly raping my eyes that now I have to hit myself in the face with a hammer just to know that I’m still alive. A little extreme? Well, that’s what this movie is. Extreme to the max!

King Long
1 Star

por-nog-ra-phy: the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction; obscene writings, drawings, photographs, or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit.

That’s right, kiddies, porno isn’t just videotape of people with enhanced body parts going at it like epileptic jackrabbits in a skeezy motel room with synthesized elevator music playing in the background. Pornography is the 187 minutes of masturbatory CGI shenanigans I just had to endure, courtesy of one of my used-to-be favorite film-makers, Mr. Peter Jackson. Making The Lord of the Rings has gone to his head, and this over-board, over-done, over-the-top monstrosity of a “vanity project” has shown us yet another example of what happens to movies when too much money and power are thrown at a filmmaker.

After the critical and popular success of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, it’s easy to anticipate a critical backlash for the works of Jackson. But really, I’m not backlashing; I like the man’s movies and I personally think that the Rings films were, although a bit too long, a great achievement in cinema.

King Kong, however, is just a big three hour wank.

It’s way too long and over-indulgent and doesn’t contain anything of value to make those things even tolerable. The script is cliche-ridden. The characters are not well developed. The plot is thinly stretched over its three hour running time and padded with needless effects, most of which aren’t even executed very well. There is simply no need for the movie to be so long.

The worst thing about Kong is that there’s so much action going on that it actually becomes boring. It really numbed the hell out of me with countless scenes of people running, fighting creepy-crawlies, dinosaurs and Kong tearing shit up and throwing people around, and more running and fighting. Hell, by the time Kong gets to New York and starts smashing up buildings and cars, I was too numb to care. By that point I felt like I had spent the last nine years tied up in the galley of their boat being raped by pirates. See? Peter Jackson’s over-indulgence is rubbing off on me!

Jackson has said that King Kong is a movie that he has wanted to remake forever, so this is really a vanity project for him. Well, it seems like if any truly good filmmaker made a movie mainly for himself it would be better than this. King Kong contains so many pandering, obviously crowd-pleasing moments that making some dough had to have been on his mind. Or maybe Peter Jackson really isn’t that good of a film-maker after all. Maybe this piece of shit is very close to his heart… a heart hardened by money and fame!!!

There were some moments that were charming and entertaining, but those were engulfed by the sheer enormity of the action. On the plus side, Naomi Watts is really pretty good, and it’s nice to see Kyle Chandler in a high-profile flick. Jack Black actually pulls off not being a total buffoon in the movie, even though his character turns into a real unsympathetic schmuck by the middle. But why oh why do we have to have another one of those annoying young man characters who’s always trying to prove himself to the adults? Didn’t we get enough of that in the last Matrix movie? I guess not since I didn’t see any other moviegoers in the audience puking anytime Jimmy (Jamie Bell of Billy Elliot fame) appeared on the screen.

King Kong will probably have hordes of audiences happily laying down their cash at the box office and telling their friends and neighbors that it’s the best damn thing since the invention of the cell phone. So I guess it’s up to us here at Razorfine to crap all over it for all you sickies that read our reviews and really should know better than to support such misguided and pornographic movie-making anyway. If you want porno go rent Butt Sluts 17 and wank yourself off. You don’t need Peter Jackson doing that for you.

Just to ruffle a few feathers with my fellow Razorfine critics (and give you a different perspective), I’m going to try to take the high ground and be positive. Which wont be easy given the film is way too long, and there are massive issues with construction, characters, plot, story, and well….hell just about everything. But let’s not forget that this film is make believe, and was created to entertain the masses.  And folks, critics are not the masses. We have become overbearing and extremely judgmental in our movie going experiences, and see things for what they really are instead of the fantasy world this type of entertainment is made for. 

People will hate the fact that it takes roughly an hour to see Kong, and they have to spend so much time getting to know characters that they don’t give a shit about (nor will they).  They want Kong.  Jackson, what is wrong with you?  People want 10 maybe 20 minutes of character building and then you need to give them the juice. Audiences are going to drool, squirm, eek, scream and jump at every monster that pops out and either crushes, devoirs or decapitates the ship’s crew. The audience won’t notice Kong comes in various sizes, or that his face never quite matches up. They won’t catch on to a New York playwright becoming a master of the jungle and conquers all odds to save the girl only to get back to the ship in 10 minutes. And really, who is going to see the vast difference in the CGI quality Jurassic Park has over Kong in the dinosaur scenes?

King Kong
2 Stars

It’s sad to think that this was Jackson’s dream, and that even after 3 hours and 11 minutes he still came up short, but don’t be shocked if it gets considered for some form of Hollywood glamour award; it’s big, it’s long, it’s Kong.

King Kong gives an award winning performance (accompanied by some great facial expressions), and Naomi Watts, as the beautiful Ann Darrow, pulls off fairly impressive moves against a blue screen (not to mention a make believe leading man). As for the rest of the film’s talent, who cares? Jack Black plays the self-indulgent film producer, Carl Denham, who looses his touch on reality halfway through.  There’s also Adrian Brody as master of the jungle and stud playwright Jack Driscoll, and Thomas Kretschmann as the ever hero Captain Englehorn; they were in The Pianist, what else do you need to know? Everyone else gets crushed, except Colin Hanks who plays Carl’s assistant and Jamie Bell as the little boy with a big heart; consensus says he should have died.

Most of the CGI stuff works, but when it doesn’t work it really doesn’t work.  Pole-vaulting(!) natives, a multitude of dinosaurs and a few aspects of Kong’s physical build and face to name a few of the other computer generated moments that go awry. However, costuming and the set design for New York during The Great Depression is quite impressive.

To sum King Kong up in 3 sections would be quite easy. Section1 is long and boring: meet the characters, check the plot and wait for Kong. Section 2 is the Skull Island adventure:, natives more scary than a massive attack of creepy crawlers, freakish vampire bats, and more action than you can shake a tree full of shipmates at. Section 3 back to the city: Kong is lovelorn and Ann, in an effort to save the poor beast, climbs the Empire State Building in heels and screams at planes. The End.

 

King Kong is what it is: 3 hours of fantasy entertainment that could have easily been cut down to 2. Rest assure with that running time you’re at least getting your money’s worth.

Syriana, while not based on any specific events, gives a chillingly accurate portrait of the many pressures brought to bear on the Middle East oil concerns.  Multiple storylines (each intrinsically tied together) converge to show how poverty, politics, reform, and economic opportunity work against each other, creating unintended consequences for all.  People who don’t follow politics might get lost among the multiple storylines, but in reality each scene impacts every other, even if it’s not readily apparent.  Top notch performanaces from all the leads, with particular notice going to the excellent Jeffery Wright, as a lawyer who slowly gives in to corruption.

Syriana
5 Stars

If ever there was a film to showcase the banality of evil, Syriana is it.  There are no scenery-chewing maniacs gleefully cackling over their nefarious plans here; just dedicated men and women quietly doing a job they believe in because they can’t comprehend the alternatives, and the few reformers whose efforts are stymied at every turn.  Easily one of the most honest and frank portrayals of how American oil interests shape and define the Middle East at every level, Syriana is a film that is heartbreakingly relevant to our day to day lives, even if it’s portraying a world most of us never see.

Matt wonders how long it will take George to realize he’s lifted the Cloonster’s wallet.

On one side of the equation of Syriana is Bennett Holiday (Jeffery Wright), a lawyer tasked with easing the passage of a massive oil company merger that’s currently stuck due a Justice Department investigation.  Quiet and dignified, Holiday is being presented an opportunity to ascend into the realm of the real power-brokers, which would let him leave his past behind if only he can find and ‘eliminate’ any problem spots in the companies’ histories, while still allowing Justice to give the appearance of due dilligence.  Holiday’s boss Dean Whiting (Christopher Plummer) is a power broker of the highest order; juggling favors and influence in his other role as member of the Committee for the Liberation of Iran, a hawkish think tank that’s mouthpiecing the unofficial position of the administration.  Killien Oil owner Jimmy Pope (Chris Cooper) is sitting on the rights to one of the most lucrative drillings fields in existence, which Connex Oil desperately wants.

The other side of the equation has Bryan Woodman (Matt Damon), an analyst for an energy commodities firm whose personal tragedy opens the door to working with Prince Nasir Al-Subbai, a reform minded Gulf Prince who is next in line to become an Emir, if he can outmanuver his younger brother.  Together Woodman and Al-Subbai are attempting to bring the modern age to the Gulf region, by ignoring American influence and pursuing home grown democracy. 

In the middle is CIA agent Bob Barnes (George Clooney), a dutiful and capable agent doing work he believes in, but is beset by beauracratic meddling and manipulation from higher authorities.  Set up as a fall guy after a botched job, Barnes is simply trying to save himself from the machinations of government ideologues whose goals fly in the face of the reality Barnes lives in.

Finally we’re presented with the story of Wasid Ahmed Khan, a young Pakistani oil worker whose livelihood is taken away when one of Prince Nasir’s oil fields is shut down in retaliation for Nasir’s selling of drilling rights to a Chinese corporation.  Unable to find work and treated as ignorant trash by a corrupt system, Wasid falls under the influence of an extremist Islamic school, and is set upon the path to martyrdom in the name of a cause he doesn’t fully understand.

Still with me?  Yah, it’s convoluted, but every single frame impacts every other.  While similar to Traffic in terms of the multiple storylines converging to a single point, Syriana sidesteps the moralizing and speechifying of that film while also refusing to dumb down any of the issues at hand.  Indeed, Syriana’s authenticity can be confusing for non-political minded viewers, as most of what’s going on is revealed in spite of the vague and non-commital speech of the Washington aspects.  Syriana is a film that rewards both your patience and your intelligence, as after a slow start the seemingly random plotlines slowly converge into a tragic point. 

Beautifully filmed, and well acted all around, Syriana takes the high road with intelligent film making and, while it may not be a thrill-a-minute fun ride, it’s a power and compelling look at an issue that effects every single person on the planet.

Director Ang Lee tackles the subject of love against the odds with the heartbreakingly beautiful ‘Brokeback Mountain’.  Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal turn in astounding performances as two cowboys who are overtaken by emotions beyond their control against the backdrop of rural Wyoming.  Spanning their 20 year relationship, the film spends more time with the pair apart than together, examining the price they pay for repressing their most powerful desires.  Almost staggeringly beautiful in both tone and story, this film is a univsersal reminder of the need to be true to one’s self.  A love story that should resonate with anyone, regardless of orientation, Brokeback Mountain may be the best, most honest romance Hollywood has put out in years.

Brokeback Mountain
4 & 1/2 Stars

Yes, it’s finally here: the movie that’s almost unrelentingly been referred to as ‘that gay cowboy movie’.  Ang Lee’s Brokeback Mountain hits theaters today and I’m here to tell you why it needs to be on your must-see list. 

First off, let’s just look at the pedigree:  Originally a short story by Annie Proulx, Larry McMurtry turned it into a full-blown script which was originally going to be helmed by Gus Van Sant.  Thankfuly, Ang Lee (Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) took over the project and brought along with him his trademark eye for astounding visuals and his ear for stories that portray the repercussions of our repressed passions.  I don’t care what the subject it, that’s a damn fine starting point.  Throw in the ridiculously good Jake Gyllenhall and the OMFG-he-can-act-like-nobody’s-business Heath Ledger and you’ve got a movie that’s about so much more than just two cowpokes pokin’ each other.

Spanning some 20 odd years, Brokeback Mountain starts off in the late 60’s when Jack Twist (Gyllenhall) and Ennis Del Mar (Ledger) first meet while herding sheep on the eponymous mountainside.  Both taciturn and withdrawn, the two find themselves inexplicably drawn toward one another with feelings they neither want nor can explain.  Once their summer work is over, they come down from the mountain knowing that what they’ve found in each other can’t exist in 1969 Wyoming, and part to make their own lives.  Both marry supportive and caring women, but eventually the pull becomes too much and the pair embark on a ‘fishing trip’ that will soon become a yearly (and much anticipated) outlet for their deeply hidden passions. 

While it’s easy to dismiss a film like this as a gay-themed love story, in reality the central message of Brokeback Mountain is universally accessible:  the price for repressing our most powerful desires is always greater than the gain.  Similar to Wong Kar Wei’s beautiful ‘In the Mood for Love’, the love Ennis and Jack share is explored more in how they can’t be together, not in the moments they can find for each other.  It’s a theme that Lee has explored in almost every one of his films (Yes, even The Hulk), and he brings a fine understanding of those who are forced to live in that quiet desperation.

A taciturn and solemn Ledger hides his heart away from all but Gyllenhaal’s Jack, alienating his wife, his children, and anyone who would try to love him.  While Jack suffers more openly under the blatant dismissal of his father-in-law and increasingly unconcerned wife (Anne Hathaway), only managing to escape in those fishing trips and the occasional anonymous pickup. 

Less a film about two men together as it is about why they are kept apart, Brokeback Mountain is easily one of the most emotionally powerful and beautiful films this year.  The simply gorgeous visuals act as a magnificent contrast to the inner lives of Jack and Ennis while they suffer the realities of a lesson most of us have already learned:  You don’t get to pick who you love.  You can only decide what you do about it.