Movie Reviews

Bad Instincts

How bad does a film have to be for Joe Eszterhas to refuse to make it?  How silly is it for a 50 year-old woman to strut around in skimpy outfits like a horny teenager?  How untitiliating is it to see a nude 50 year-old woman pretending to be a 20 year-old woman, and how sad is it to watch?  How unnecessary is this sequel?  What does Sharon Stone’s pet project really have to offer?  These questions and more can be answered if you’re willing to watch one of the most ridiculous films in recent memory.  Or you could just read my review.

Basic Instinct 2
1 Star

In 1992 Sharon Stone broke into the big time with the lurid sex-thriller Basic Instinct.  After years of struggle the hit allowed Stone to carve out a niche as the latest slutty tramp vixen (only latter to be dethrowned by the likes of Elizabeth Berkley and Krista Allen).  Finally her career broadened and she moved away from those roles into some fine performances in good films (such as last year’s Broken Flowers).  Sadly however she’s returned to the role that made her a star.  Now at the age of 48 Stone loses both her clothes and dignity and shows us quite plainly that the studios were right to try to abort this baby before it ever saw the light of day.

Author and serial killer Catherine Tramell (Sharon Stone) is living it up in England seeking thrills, taking chances, and leaving bodies strewn in her wake.  After her bad choice of mixing sex and driving causes the death of her latest one-night stand Catherine is taken in by Scotland Yard Detective Roy Washburn (David Thewlis) who wants nothing more than to nail her to the wall.  He sends Cathrine to his friend Dr. Michael Glass (David Morrissey), who is hiding enough of his own skeletons for an entirely separate movie, for a full evaluation.  Glass of course falls for the femme fatale and his world slowly disolves into crazy-wacko-funland-time.

Stone was guaranteed the right to make a sequel to Basic Instinct (despite the fact no one else wanted one) and over the past few years went as far to sue for the studio to produce this film.  Problem is it took 14 years to get the film done and Stone is now 48 years-old and acting like no time has gone by.  It’s hard not to notice the age of the actress and the rather inappropriate (and unintentionally hilarious at times) storyline for one such as Granny Stone to be starring in.  Stone goes for all the same jokes: “arrest me for smoking?,” trashy outfits, spreading her legs (thankfully this time she straddles the back of a chair), performing various sexual acts in public for an audience, and seducing a troubled guy who actually has the power to stop her at any time but doesn’t because… she’s so sexy??  Problem is we’ve seen this before and the rehash never adds anything new to the stock formula nor works with an actress of Stone’s age.

From beginning to end the film is simply ridiculous.  Nothing believable happens and the officers at Scotland Yard are even more inept at their jobs than the San Francisco cops from the first film.  Seriously folks are you telling me the only competent cops are so mesmerized by her they just can’t stop her either?  Flimsy plot twists involving a tabloid reporter (Hugh Dancy) digging into Dr. Glass’s shady past involving a former patient and Glass’ appoinment to a new position are meant to add some much needed story elements to the film yet they never come together or amount to much.  And as for the sex and thriller aspects, they fail to obscure what is simply dreadful dialogue and writing; unlike the first film, this time when Granny Stone drops her clothes and writhes around it’s not sexy, it’s not titilating or erotic, it’s just plain icky and more than a little sad.

You into GILFs?  If not pass this ridiculous absurdly retarded film by.  It’s so lurid and seedy it makes softcore porn look respectable by comparision.  Miss Stone please keep your legs crossed and your clothes on from now on.  I’ve seen enough to know I’ve seen enough.  The first movie was forgettable enough but this one just oozes all types of badness.  Probles arise because director Michael Caton-Jones is no Paul Verhoven and writers Leora Barish and Henry Bean are no Joe Eszterhas (stop and think about that for a a second, realize I’m not saying this in a good way, and realize the imlications of this statement) and Stone simply isn’t the sexpot she was almost fifteen-years ago.  The film was obvioulsy an attempt by Stone to recapture the glory of her most profitable years but the actuality of it will make you yearn for The Specialist and Sliver.  The film is not entirely pointless as it reveals exactly how bad a film has to be for Joe Eszterhaus to refuse to make it – exactly this bad.

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Die Hard in a Bank

  • Title: Inside Man
  • IMDb: link

Inside Man

I love heist flicks.  I mean I l-o-v-e ‘em!  So I’m predisposed to like a film like this though I also tend to nitpick at them as well.  Spike Lee’s attempt to make a mainstream film has actually produced a pretty good genre flick.  While not a great movie Inside Man works pretty well as a heist flick and makes the most of its cast and setting.

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Tsotsi

Amongst the February dump of really bad films (released exactly one month ago in a limited release, out today in wide release), comes Tsotsi a film with more quality than most of the streamline Oscar Nominees. Beautifully shot and clear storyline, Tsotsi takes the audience through 6 days of a young gang leader’s transformation in the ghetto of Johannesburg. South Africa’s foreign film Oscar nomination is violent and gritty, but in the same form it’s very graceful and pure.

Tsotsi
3 & 1/2 Stars

From the production notes:
“The word “tsotsi” means a black urban criminal, a street thug or gang member in the vernacular of black townships in South Africa. Its origin is possibly a corruption of the Sesotho word “tsotsa” meaning to dress flashily, zoot suits being originally associated with tsotsis. A male is called a tsotsi and a female tsotsi is called a noasisa. Tsotsis are usually part of the urban youth gang society that grew up on the streets of the ghetto. Their history goes back to the famous youth gangs of the 1930’s in the Soweto township area outside Johannesburg.”

Following the tracks of a young thug as he makes one bad choice after another, leading to a catch 22 he can never escape, or can he? Tsotsi (Presley Chweneyagae) is a leader of a small group of young men who spend their time robbing, drinking and playing the dice, their way of leading the life that was dealt to them. Tsotsi starts to realize his need to escape the destruction that is controlling his life and destroying others, but not until he car jacks a lady and ends up with her baby. Almost abandoning this child with the car, he goes back and carries him home in a paper sack. Tsotsi makes an attempt of taking care of the child on his own, as if it’s a pet, but realizes he cannot provide adequate food or shelter. He holds a local girl at gun point to breastfeed the child and goes back to rob the home he stole the car from to gather up the child’s belongings. In that moment, he shoots one of his “brothers” to save the father’s life and thus a big leap in his transformation. In a slow progression to doing what’s right, but still doing it wrong, Tsotsi begins to come into his own and starts to take on responsibilities for his own actions. Before he blamed a poor childhood, a mean father and living in concrete tubes outside of the township, poor and destitute, as his crutch for reasoning. Tsotsi now realizes, that it’s his own actions that can create a better quality of life for himself and others around him. He has a good heart and has taken care of all of his “brothers” at one time or another, but still wreaks havoc on society. Still robs, thieves and treats others around him with little to no regard.

Progressively he cares for the child and starts to find a fondness towards the young widowed mother, Miriam (Terry Pheto), who eventually talks him into returning the baby. The ending of the film is the most moving of all. He returns the child, but gets caught between the mother and father he stole him from and the police. Giving up the baby with tears in his eyes and the hope for a second chance is a very powerful moment, does he get a second chance or is there no changing what life has handed to you?

 

Capturing a young audience with both rich and humanistic characters and a hip South African Kwaito artist, Zola, producer Peter Fudakowski played his cards right. Intriguing and luring, Tsotsi, keeps the audience completely attached to the character. Creates a sense of empathy for a thug that should deserve no forgiveness, but rises above it all and earns forgiveness and hopefully a second chance. Based on the novel by Athol Fugard, Tsotsi is set in modern times for expense reasons and to prove even a post apartheid South Africa still has it’s problems, but can rise above it all just like the character. Tsotsi was written in 1980 with a setting in the South African apartheid and a character that isn’t given a second chance at the end, a producer choosing to take the meaning of the story more over the exact story makes a more successful film. A few shots too close to the eye line to keep the audience tide with the lead character are a little over done, but can be forgiven for the richness surrounding those shots. The film is much about poverty vs. wealth and violence vs. compassion; the production design gives us the contrast even in the ghetto between Tsotsi’s dark rich and bare shack compared to Miriam’s warm, soft and inviting surroundings. The music compliments every scene and the actors bring out their best over coming some very rough and emotional moments.

Tsotsi is a rich and powerfully emotional film that will move the audience and aspire even those who may not agree with the quality of story.

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V for…

  • Title: V for Vendetta
  • IMDB: link

“People should not be afraid of their governments; governments should be afraid of their people.”

Here’s what I learned from V for Vendetta: 1). I never, ever, want anyone to try and make Watchmen into a film.  2). Even when you gut a great graphic novel of some of its best material it can still come out well on screen.  3). I have an even deeper appreciation for Sin City.  The Wachowksi adaptation (Moore pulled his own name off the project) isn’t the graphic novel, but it does have something worth watching.  I would have preferred a more faithful adaption to this remodeled version, but what we do get is still quite good; sadly though the source material demands it to be great.  My immediate reaction to the film is mostly positive yet conflicted and wistful of what could have been.

Our hero is a terrorist that blows up half the town (and that’s not even half as bad as what he does to those he “likes”).  Alan Moore gave us a dim future about a totalitarian regime in London and one lone man who wants to bring it all crashing down, and achieve vengeance for what was done to him by the system in the name of progress.

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Shameless Dog

The tagline for this film is “Raise the Woof.”  If you think that’s incredibly clever and hysterically funny than this film is for you.  If however your age includes more than one digit and you don’t suffer from some kind of mental deficiency you may want to pass on this dog.  And this movie is a dog.  One very stupid dog.  Of course being neither mentally challenged nor a child the film isn’t geared towards me and I do believe young children will enjoy the obvious jokes of Tim Allen running around and acting like a dog for almost 100 minutes.  Me, not so much.

The Shaggy Dog (2006)
2 Stars

Think of a person pretending to act like a dog.  All the obvious images that came into your head are in this movie.  The film is filled with shameless and obvious jokes (including the obligatory “Who Let the Dog Out?” sequence) and never once strives to get past them for something more and examine the other consequences of such a change.  Now you don’t really need to go further in a film that is exceptionally funny but this film isn’t.  It’s so obvious and predictable that kids may love it but adults are going to roll their eyes more than chuckle.

Dave Douglas (Tim Allen) is your typical movie dad who has a demanding job, beautiful wife (Kristin Davis), and two kids (Zena Grey and Spencer Breslin) who think he’s a jerk and think, correctly, that he doesn’t understand them.  Dave works as Assistant D.A. and is on the fast track to be promoted when the current District Attorney (Danny Glover) retires.  Everything is going great even though his family life is suffering Dave is immensely happy.

Then a 300 year-old magical Tibetan sheep dog that was kidnapped from a Buddhist monastery in the Himalayas by a drug company (no, you didn’t misread that) bites him on the hand and he starts to act more and more like a dog.  Any cheap joke you can think of comes next.  Tim Allen chasing a cat, Tim Allen scratching his ear with his sleeve, Tim Allen peeing by raising his right leg at the urinal, and Tim Allen fetching a stick or frisbee or bone are just some of the many, many obvious jokes that find themselves into the film.  About the only cheap joke they don’t use is to have him hump somebody’s leg.  When he completely turns into the dog he learns truths about his son and daughter and finds new understanding and respect for them.  Through the experience he becomes a better man and reconnects with his wife and family.  All together now:  Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.  He also decides to expose the drug company and their unorthodox experiments involving genetics run by Dr. Kozak (Robert Downey Jr.).

So what works?  Well the special effects aren’t bad and the different genetic creatures of Dr. Kozak are interesting to look at (though I don’t really understand how making the more like dogs gives them human understanding and intelligence).  Some of the gags are funny but you will see them coming from miles away.  Zena Grey comes off okay but the other kids in the film look uncomfortable with their lines and in many cases appear to be reading straight from cue cards.

It’s not horrific, it’s just the same predictable and obvious jokes over and over.  The film contains no surprises and very little joy and odd back story about the dog doesn’t really fit with the rest of the film.  I don’t need to be given a half-assed reason for why Tim Allen is going to be turned into a dog.  I’m ready to suspend my belief walking in, but when you make up a story it better be good. 

So should you see this film?  You’re paying for a film that’s going to give you exactly what you expect but nothing more and despite all the gags and elaborate stunts their isn’t a single one that isn’t instantly forgettable, much like this film.  If you’ve got young kids I think they’ll enjoy themselves but even for them it’s not a must see.

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