Essays

Guess what guys?  Here’s a list of movies I liked this year.  IN FACT, it’s a list of the ten movies I like the very most.  I liked them all, and would totally give a thumbs up to anyone who helped to make any of them (except Halle Berry)!

Well go ahead man, what are you waiting for!?

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Let’s just get right to business, my favorite films of the year – with the order sure to change a whole lot of times before I bite the bucket – are as follows:

10 – The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

What makes this french film, based on the real life events of a paralyzed man who wrote a book by winking his eye, isn’t the strong story of the the likewise acting; but the unique voice of the movie’s director,  Julian Schnabel.  Beautiful, tragic and full of life without ever drawing attention to itself, it’s a joyous reminder that the greatest gift given to everyone is the imagination.  Look for it to become the most praised foreign film of the year.

9 – Things We Lost in the Fire

It really bugs me that I’m giving the annoying Halle Berry a spot in both my best and worst of the year lists; but I’d be lying to myself if I said that Things We Lost in the Fire weren’t a strong film that doesn’t have any trouble doing what it wants to do.  Mostly following the death of a father, husband and best friend (of a Benicio Del Toro character, who deserves an Oscar nom that the actor won’t get), the movie is about moving on and learning to take advantage of the good things in life.  Susanne Bier directs this clean cut of cinema clearly and gracefully, matching the beauty of the story in every technical aspect.  Read my review for more.

8 – 300

I don’t know if this movie is making too many year-end lists – and I don’t know that it wholly deserves to – but for a style-over-substance guy like me, it’s at home in its top ten spot.  I don’t have any complaints with the story; but everyone knows that this movie’s forte was its technical aspect.  Action films age pretty badly; but will enough time ever pass that one shot of 300 won’t make you pump your fist and scream “Fuck Yeah?”  Zack Snyder imagery, along with Larry Fong‘s pulpped, reddened photography were revolutionary for a studio picture, and one that will hopefully lead other films down less conventional visual paths.

7 – The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters

This documentary on two men racing for the world record high score at the classic Donkey Kong arcade game is one that’s destined to have a massive cult following.  With archetypically good and bad characters like Steve Wiebe, an everyman father/teacher who’s always number two and Billy Mitchell, a selfish hot sauce salesman evil enough to be a bad guy played by Ben Stiller in a movie; King of Kong is too undeniably fun to dismiss.  Documentaries, for whatever reasons, tend to deal with serious stories out of life; but this one proves that there’s no reason you can’t document something hilarious and outlandish in one too.  You’ll never boo, hiss or applaud so much at a documentary.

6 – Death Proof

It’s long.  It’s talky.  But I can’t think of another movie to ever take so much advantage of its build-up in its last act.  If all I saw of the movie were the first ninety minutes, it wouldn’t be on my list; but Quentin Tarantino‘s organic and most thrilling car chase in god knows how long wins every speck of attention in your brain, plastering you to your seat and sending you into cheers for characters you didn’t even think you liked, just for saying something as simple as “Nuh-uh, Motherfucker!”  That, and Tarantino’s aesthetic tribute to exploitation cinema is unknockable – it’s a perfect homage that, at the same time, awesomely outdoes any movie or style it’s imitating.  With a movie this fresh after fifteen years of directing, Tarantino isn’t losing his edge – he’s just getting started.

5 – Alpha Dog

The most flawed movie on this list, Alpha Dog just might be the most emotionally powerful.  It’s preachy and melodramatic around the edges, but the inside is a 100% authentic, believable story about a bunch of not-a-boy, not-yet-a-man guys trying to act tough; but they don’t realize how stupidly they’re behaving when they kidnap the kid brother of a guy they have beef with.  It’s a furious but solid argument against the machismo so many guys at the beginning of adulthood feel like they have to project.  I don’t know that I needed two prologues, a home video montage or worst of all, Sharon Stone crying in a bad fat-suit; but everything else in the film will get you more worried and angry than anything else this year.  You can go back a long ways and read my first opinion of the film.

4 – The Mist

Did anyone expect a giddy, pulpy horror picture about monsters coming from another dimension to be so damn good?  I didn’t, but I have a hard time thinking of this movie as anything short of amazing now.  Director Frank Darabont takes this scary thriller the philosophical route – he’s more interested in the demons that reveal themselves in the frightened human than the ones that walk on eight towering, hairy legs.  Let’s give some marks to Marcia Gay Harden for her just-right over-the-top performance as a self-appointed prophet, along with everyone else in this strong ensemble cast.

3 – No Country For Old Men

The Coens’ return to their merciless, humorless but often hilarious style of filmmaking is probably the most heralded film of the year, and I’m not disagreeing on this one.  Javier Bardem is damn petrifying as the grim reaper, and the everything else about this clean, ironic film makes it the most Coenish to date.  Haunting and lingering, this movie about the lack of glory that inhibits our lives is one you won’t ever forget.

2 – There Will Be Blood

Every one of the five years spent waiting for Paul Thomas Anderson‘s follow-up to the dizzy but exquisite Punch-Drunk Love were painful – but at least now we know they weren’t in vain.  Anderson’s exploration of business, religion and ethics feels so easily collected, only a real pro could do it.  Of course this is just as much P.T.A.‘s show as it is Daniel Day-Lewis’, who slowly makes his oil baron character more and more disconnected from reality until he finally pops out and off of humanity.  I could go on, but I think I’ll stop since I just wrote a review for the film last week.

1 – Zodiac

I’m surprised to see it at number one, and to be fair it only beats out the number two film after hours of thought; but my favorite movie of the year is probably Zodiac.  Few people can take a two-and-a-half hour+ picture that takes place over a quarter century without a resolution this satisfying and tense; but you have to hand it to thrill-master David Fincher that he handles the job with flying colors.  The terror and mythology of a serial killer run rampant through the Bay area keep this massive picture on the tracks, headed for one conclusion and one conclusion alone.  The gorgeous digital picture handles the retrospect perfectly – it gives us the allure of the 70s while looking current and undated.  And, while I’m automatically going to love any movie with Robert Downey Jr. in it, he’s got some great company in Zodiac with the boyish Jake Gyllenhaal and the frustrated Mark Ruffalo, alongside countless thankless character actors that only pop up for one or two scenes.  I can’t say it’s my number one film by a mile, but it’s a movie I haven’t stopped thinking about since I saw it in March, and I don’t know that I ever will.

2007 turned out to be a pretty darn good year for films, but not all of them were winners.  Here are the ten worst films I struggled to sit through, and barely survived.  The list consists of four decidedly unfunny romantic comedies (two of which star the lady to the right), Eddie Murphy’s worst film in years, a sci-fi flick, a horror flick, robots in disguise, and more, including the worst film of the year.  Check inside the Full Diagnosis for the full list (and be glad you didn’t have to sit through all ten!).

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Before we get to the list here’s a few films which narrowly missed the list but deserve dis-honorable mention – Blood and Chocolate, P.S. I Love You, Fred Claus, Ghost Rider, and Hitman.  Also it should be noted I missed out (darn!) on such films as Daddy Day Camp, Mr. Woodcock, Captivity, Awake, Good Luck Chuck, and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry which all seem like worthy candidates for such a list.

10. Next

It was a hard call between which of Nicolas Cage’s two insanely bad films would make the list.  Next beats out Ghost Rider (read that review) for the honor for its utter stupidity (and lack of any flaming skull special effects).  Now I’ll admit it’s not the easiest thing to do to translate a Philip K. Dick tale onto the big screen but it has been done better than this, most recently 2006’s A Scanner Darkly (read the review).  The story here involves some schmuck (Cage) who can look into the future, but only two-minutes into the future (except when the film needs him to look further, and then he can).  The film is filled with huge plot and logic holes, and Jessica Biel shows up as the love interest just to make sure to curse the flick to forgettable mediocrity.  Julianne Moore shows up for yet another insanely bad career turn (remember Freedomland?  I wish I didn’t!).  The science fiction elements never come together, the stunts are largely forgettable, and the acting is substandard at best.  Next fails both as a sci-fi flick and an action flick.  Thankfully Nicolas Cage’s Next film was better!

 

(read the full review)

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9. The Ex

What’s most frustrating about The Ex (and it’s hard to choose since the whole film makes you angry enough to punch out a nun!) is the waste of obvious talent.  Zach Braff, who three years ago gave us Garden State (read the review), along with Jason Bateman and Amanda Peet, both talented performers who seem to be cursed to be cast in mostly mediocre projects, are all wasted in a film that makes each of them dumb, drab, boring, and unfunny.  Charles Grodin doesn’t fair much better.  The jokes, the stuff of stale sitcoms and all of which you will see coming, fall flat, and the actors are made to stand in front of the camera and preen and smile knowing they may not pick up a single laugh from this project but at least they will get a check.  In the film an expecting couple (Braff, Peet) move back home so he can take a job in her father’s ad agency only to fall under the supervision of a paralyzed former boyfriend (Bateman) who tries to ruin Tom and win back his former love.  Unless you want to sit through an unbearable comedy which doesn’t contain a single laugh I’d suggest giving this dud a wide berth.

 

(read the full review)

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8. The Heartbreak Kid

Ben Stiller needs to find a new shtick.  In this remake of the 1972 film Stiller gives us the same old character he’s been doing for a decade.  Here Stiller marries a woman (Malin Akerman) who he doesn’t know all that well and who changes so completely after their vows it’s impossible to believe:  A) this is the same character, and B) some, if not all of her oddness and eccentricities wouldn’t have shown up before the marriage.  What follows are a series of gags, pratfalls, misunderstandings and general nonsense.  What doesn’t follow are laughs.  Stiller’s reunion with the Farrelly Brothers comes far short in meeting expectations.  There’s Something About Mary was fresh, unexpected, charming, and darn funny.  The Heartbreak Kid is none of these things.  This is regurgitated slop which relies solely on recycled and rejected jokes from better films.  The plot makes little sense as characters and situations are constantly rearranged for the next gag instead of being part of a coherent or believable narrative.  You should stay away from this one folks; it will break your heart.

 

(read the full review)

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7. Transformers

The biggest disappointment of 2007 was Michael Bay’s adaption of a beloved childhood toy, comic, and cartoon franchise, The Transformers.  Others might have been willing to accept it as a mindless (and oh boy is it ever!) action flick, but I could do little more than groan as the stars of the film, transforming robots from Cybertron, were relegated to special effects rather than fully thought-out characters.  Instead we get some lame story about a kid (Shai LaBeouf) hunting for his grandfather’s glasses and a bunch of actors playing soldier in the desert.  Bay delivers the bare minimum of explosions and eye-catching effects, with cheap laughs, but without a single interesting character or plot point.  The script and design is alienating and completely unconnected to any Transformer product which has preceded it.  This sure wasn’t made for fans.  The film is made for a new teen audience caring only for lame jokes (like Bumblebee taking a leak??) and watching the geek get the hot young girl (Megan Fox).  Thanks Michael Bay, you’ve turned The Transformers into Can’t Buy Me Love.

 

(read the full review)

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6. License to Wed

I almost combined Mandy Moore’s two films together into one spot on the list, but as they are equally awful I decided they both deserved their own mention.  License to Wed features Moore as a bride-to-be who attends a wedding preparation course with her fiance (John Krasinksi) led by a deranged preacher (Robin Williams) whose sole purpose is to destroy their relationship, cancel their marriage plans, and make them hate each other.  Why?  That’s a damn good question!  His back-assword reasoning is if they get back together after this then they are truly meant to be together?!  So let me get this straight, the film is about a minister who destroys peoples lives and happiness because he thinks it might (he has no idea if they will survive) improve their relationship?  This is one of the stupidest ideas for a movie EVER!  The stupidity of the plot is only outdone by the preposterous ending where the characters thank the priest for trying to destroy their lives!  Aside from the usual Williams zaniness, which does deliver one or two laughs, there is nothing here but disaster and pain (for the audience, that is).

 

(read December’s review)

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5. Because I Said So

Not satisfied with putting out one stupetifyingly insipid romcom a year Mandy Moore, this time with the help of Diane Keaton, Tom Everett Scott, Gabriel Macht, and Piper Perabo, earns a second spot on the list.  Lifetime for Women was never this bad.  The story involves an over-bearing and controlling mother (Keaton) cutely forcing men on her youngest daughter (Moore) by placing ads online for her.  Unless you’ve got ovaries, or are legally brain-dead, this film is worse than Chinese water torture; it’s a chick flick on steroids.  Disaster is the best word to describe this film which makes little sense and will give you even less enjoyment.  The actors are cute, the situations are the stuff of your basic dumb romcom, and there isn’t a single genuine moment, emotion, performance, or laugh anywhere in its excruciatingly long 102 day (I mean minute, it just felt like days) running time.  Unlike License to Wed which at least gave you some Robin Williams to take the sting off, there’s no antiseptic for this one.  This film is painful to watch.

 

(read the full review)

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4. Norbit

Just how bad was this film?  It cost Eddie Murphy an Oscar, that’s how bad.  Murphy seemed on the fast track last year for an Academy Award for Dreamgirls before voters heard about his next project, Norbit, and realized they couldn’t give out an award to anyone foolish enough to make this piece of shit.  Murphy shows up in multiple roles here as both the timid title character and his ridiculous wife, Rasputia.  By the way, the name Rasputia is about the only funny joke in the film (I just saved you a DVD rent fee).  I didn’t think it was possible to make a full-feature film based on one fat joke but Murphy (who also co-wrote the film) finds a way to do it.  That’s an achievement, sure its akin to shoving more ants up your nose than anyone ever has before, but its still an achievement.  Sadly most of the jokes fall flat and this one-joke wonder runs out of steam almost before it starts.  In a career that includes Beverly Hills Cop III, Daddy Day Care, Metro, Boomerang, and Another 48 Hrs., Norbit ranks as one of his biggest mistakes.

 

(read the full review)

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3. The Reaping

Now it’s usually a good idea not to expect too much from a horror flick, but when it presents itself as an intelligent thriller and stars an Academy Award winning actress (Hilary Swank) you expect the film to be at least watchable.  In The Reaping Swank stars as a debunker of religious phenomena who winds up in a southern town which is really going to Hell.  Literally.  We get locusts, frogs, rivers of blood, dying livestock, and more – all of it as bland as a Republican Presidential debate.  From here the film follows the predictable formula of the unbeliever finding the faith and power to stop the evil, yada, yada, yada.  For a film which puts the entire fate of the world in jeopardy it is one frightful bore.  With this film Hollywood may have found a cure for insomnia.  Full of inexplicable plot twists and bad, bad writing there’s nothing here to enjoy.  And casting serious actors into a cheesefest like this only makes it more tedious and unbearable, where at least with unknowns it could be laughed off.  Of all the disasters and curses shown the in film, none manage to be as awful as the film itself.

 

(read the full review)

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2. September Dawn

What’s worse than a tedious horror flick?  How about a tedious, religiously intolerant, distasteful, and bigoted film inspired by a true story.  If you stay away from indie cinema you will have thankfully missed this turkey.  And if you like independent films you probably won’t after watching this one.  September Dawn tells the tale of the Mountain Meadows massacre where wagon train settlers were killed in the Utah territory by some of the most bloodthirsty and cowardly Mormons ever captured on film.  Filled with laughable dialogue, inept acting, overall hamminess, and savage Mormons, the film would be a laugh-riot if it wasn’t so damn despicable.  More like a big budget TV movie than a feature film September Dawn comes of as terrible at best, and the worst type of insensitive stylized propaganda at worst.  It’s one of those films only the people who have seen it can understand just how gut-wrenchingly awful it truly is.  In trying to create a film exploring fanaticism writer/director Christopher comes off as a fanatic himself, and a poor man’s Uwe Boll.

 

(read the full review)

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1. The Condemned

Usually it’s hard to pick the worst film of the year.  As I look back I can usually find two or three no-star blunders fighting for the coveted place at the top of the list.  This year there was only one.  As bad as everything on this list has been so far, here is, without question or rival, the worst film of 2007 – The Condemned.  Cast with thespians who include former pro wrestlers, strongmen, and footballers the film epitomizes, in every way, the essence of a truly horrible film.  Bad acting, horrible script, atrocious camera work, an ending you’ll see coming miles away, and an unapologetic brutality, make this not only a bad film, but an unforgivable one.  It’s as poorly and unprofessional a film as you are likely to see outside an elementary school student film festival.  Given the film star (Stone Cold Steve Austin) I’m sure the filmmakers (sorry can’t use that word to describe these people) assholes in charge believed the main audience for this was wrestling fans, I guess they simply decided they didn’t need to put forth any effort to make the film better a sharp kick in the nuts (it’s actually worse!).

 

(read the full review)

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I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly; but if you think you can handle the shit that flowed this year in movies, pinch your nose, say your prayers and click below.

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2007 was a terrible year.  There were political assassinations, threats of an unnecessary war and, to top it all off, the following five movies.  While lawmakers decided to take the year off from taking global warming seriously, the studio heads were hard at work every day trying to find the next crappy film to flood theaters with – and in that respect, they were unbelievably successful.  Join me, won’t you, and let us celebrate just a few more reasons why life sucks.

But before we get started, because I’m an equal opportunity complainer, I’d like to mention some other crappolas that just missed the cut.  Can you imagine the bliss that would be life without the made-for-kids, and seemingly by-kids summer movie Daddy Day Camp?  What about Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, a franchise that for whatever reason, just decided to stop being even slightly cool?  And who could forget Aliens vs Predator – Requiem, a movie so dumb, it’s an insult to the intelligence of its audience?

5 – Shrek the Third: Hey, do you remember that movie Shrek that came out six years ago?  Remember how it was funny?  Just hold onto that memory and don’t let go, because if you try to relive the fun of that movie with its second sequel, your body might trigger blindness in your eyes to defend itself from this offensively dull family picture.  It’s like they don’t even try with these movies anymore, like the producers just gave a couple second-rate Sitcom writers a bag of skittles to pen thing, because they knew their wallets would get green stains no matter how much the movie sucked dolphin dick.  And boy, were they right.

4 – Blood and Chocolate: I named Underworld: Evolution the third worst movie of 2006, so it shouldn’t be much of surprise to find out that Blood and Chocolate, little more than cheap knock-off of that franchise, is just as stinky.  Actually, I’ll throw a couple more points towards this newer film for not being 70% crappy action scenes like that older one, but the void of action in Blood and Chocolate only means that we get a lot more bland dialogue, acting and other features of the film that make a root canal sound surprisingly relaxing in comparison.

3 – Perfect Stranger: I don’t have a problem with feminism, but what I do have a problem with is when a shallow girl-power message replaces the plot, logic and just about anything else a narrative requires in a movie.  Therefore, I have a problem with the Halle Berry movie Perfect Stranger, a supposed thriller that makes nice with every cliché in the genre and thinks of itself as a gritty, serous and dangerous film.  I already pretty much beat this picture to death in my review from April, so I’ll just let that do the talking here.

2 – I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry: Few traits are more annoying or immoral in a person than hypocrisy, and why should it be any less aggravating when that trait is in a movie?  I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is supposed to be a comedy that bashes gay-bashers and promotes tolerance.  But instead of fixing the problems of homophobia, the movie only advances it.  For every time Adam Sandler or Kevin James scream at a homophobe, there’s another scene full of gay stereotypes that must have been written by people without any idea that – get this – being gay doesn’t mean you have a lisp and make bad pop culture references.  The closest the writers have gotten to a gay person must have been a few episodes of Will & Grace.  To give you an idea of how bad it gets, there are two characters who literally have no other purpose in the movie other than to act hilariously gay.  Yeah.  I’m convinced that someday, people will look back on this supposedly tolerant film with the same attitude that we have for Gone With the Wind today.

1 – D-War (Dragon Wars):  Before I begin to trash this action movie, let me say that I seriously considered putting this movie on my best of the year list because, if nothing else, it was certainly the best movie-going experience of my life.  I walked into the theater actually expecting something cool – I knew it wasn’t going to be anything as awesome as The Host, but I figured that they import bring a South Korean movie unless had some cool actions scenes.

I’m going to go ahead and mark that moment as the most wrong I will ever, ever be; because only my love for mind-blowingly stupid cinema kept me from quitting school and moving to D.C. and lobbying for a war on the Asian nation seventy hours a week.  I had a hard time figuring out what the story was, what with the laughter that almost constantly filled the theater; but here’s what I think it’s about – there are these dragons that come to Earth every few centuries.  And this time, one of them is really pissed off.  And uh, he needs to eat this girl so he can become a Super Sayin dragon, or some shit like that.  Conceived and written like a bad short story a fifth grader would write for English class, the dialogue and plot are a veritable encyclopedia of movie clichés and general stupidity.  The plot holes are so massive, they’re the equivalent of cinematic black holes.  I think that someday, when I retire and have more time than I know what to do with, I’m going to take on the enormous task of naming everything that’s wrong with this film; but with what time I have today, I’ll just say that I doubt I’ll ever see this crappy of a film in theaters.

After watching 2007’s film carnage, I’m feeling slightly dead inside. This category shouldn’t be too hard considering year after year movies go down in quality and content. I guess, like with everything else, as long as you have a license then you can do anything you damn well please.

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I’m listing mine a little different, I think there are categories to suckage and the go as follows: 1. Given – those that anyone would be stupid to pay to see. 2. Shut Your Mouth – those that critics love and I couldn’t stand. 3. Seriously – this made it to a theater?. I think those categories will help break up the total carnage of 2007 crappiest films.

Here are the top 5 “GIVEN” crap films of the year.

1. Norbit: Do I really need to say anything about this? Come on Eddie, dressing up as a fat person and playing more than one character in your movie; I got an idea, why don’t you be a talking animal or be able to talk to animals too. Where is Beverly Hills Cop when you need him?

2. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry: “I Now Pronounce You A Load of Crap”, there that’s a better title, for sure. Chuck and Larry is a film that completely contradicts itself, one minute they are making fun of homosexuals and the next they are standing up for them. Which is it? Either it’s okay or it’s not, but you can’t be both? The creators certainly took a far end of the counter approach between the extremists and, well, the extremist and no single race, body type or preference was left out of the parade of one liners. (read the full review)

3. Rush Hour 3: Have you seen Rush Hour 1 and 2? Then you’ve seen Rush Hour 3; just add a little more stupid to it and there you have it. Give us a break Hollywood, I would love to see a real comedy for once this summer instead of regurgitated crap that some group of writers desperately try to out do themselves each time. I can imagine the round table of editors and writers hashing this thing out, one says “last time we had him jump down a flag from 50 stories up, this time let’s have both of them fly a flag off the Eiffel Tower”, and everybody chimes in with cheers and kudos. Another writer has a brilliant idea, “how about a bad guy who keeps showing up at the most inopportune moments and knows all the ins and outs of the villain’s master plan, but nobody would ever guess he was the bad guy until it’s revealed near the very end”, once again the crowd goes wild and everybody gives a round of applause and pats the dork on the back. It’s true, I did laugh throughout most of Rush Hour 3, but it wasn’t because it was all funny stuff, but because there was some outrageous and plain silly crap included. I couldn’t believe my evening was spent with a film that should have went straight to the shelves, in a packed theater watching what has to be the lowest point in Jackie Chan’s and Chris Tucker’s career. (read the full review)

4. License to Wed: A comedy shouldn’t feel like such a drain on one’s emotions teetering on a really bad marriage and a slow trip through Dante’s 7 Levels of Hell. Williams doing his best with what little provided in such a bland and simply redundant script, and Mandy Moore with her counterpart, John Krasinski, playing the typical guy meets girl, guy screws up, girl forgives guy roles, yayayayaya.. I felt a bit psychic…I just knew what was coming up next. The forced feeling of a very minimal amount of stand-upish comedy mixed with an everyday, seen it before, romantic comedy, License to Wed is more like license to head straight for the dollar shelf at your local video store. You guessed it; the film was just that good. (read the full review)

5. Epic Movie: An epic piece of crap.

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Here are the top 5 “SHUT YOUR MOUTH” crap films of the year.

1. Atonement:  I had to watch this film; I believe I atoned enough. I wasn’t all that impressed; I know that many top-notch critics are raving about Atonement, but I can’t jump on board with them. A Merchant Ivory, epic, war, and a romance that stands the test of time all confused with a little girls mind and an old woman’s pen in Atonement’s script. I felt confused most of the time, in and out from present, future, past, his and her time, the film honestly jumped all over the board trying to tell a story of a little girl with a big crush and a jealous mind. A young girl molested and a perp caught, but a lie was told and the young man in love was sent to war. Later on we find that the perp and the little girl get married and nothing can be done about the lie and the disgrace to the young couple in love. One dies in the war and the other dies by the war, never to meet again and be together as the little girl grows old and sad to never be able to correct what she had wronged. Basically that sums up the whole thing. (read the full review)

2. Eastern Promises: I was expecting a great deal more out of David Croneberg, but he came up short. Viggo played a hell of a Russian thug, but Naomi Watts didn’t pull out much character at all. Eastern Promises left me a little bored; given the fight scene in the bath house was a little intense and Viggo’s got a hell of an ass, but overall I wanted more all around. Craving history and personal connections amongst the characters, give me a little more feeling and depth, more action and intensity. Viggo deserves credits, but the rest didn’t make the cut.

3. The Savages: There is a good chance that I have become desensitized with film, with sad depressing reality, maybe I need a little more fantasy in my movies. A brother and sister are stuck with their hateful father after his girlfriend dies. He has a touch of dementia and needs constant care. The two fight with where he must go and finally put him in a sad cold brick nursing home next to the brother. Sis is a perpetual liar and the brother is a perpetual depressive and somewhat hypochondriac, the two of them together make for quite a toxic scene. Laura Linney ho-hummed her way through the sister character; she has such a history and talent to her and what she can accomplish with her characters, but in The Savages she didn’t fully commit. Hoffman, on the other hand, played the depressive brother did a wonderful and perfect job, almost have to wonder if he is dysfunctional in real life as he is in all his characters? The Savages barely skimmed by with a full razor from me.

4. Margot at the Wedding: Margot at the Wedding is one of those films that make me wish I wasn’t a film critic. I feel obligated to watch said film, but completely bored out of my mind and furious that I felt I needed to set through such torture. Unlikable characters, odd situations and ultimately terrible commentary makes this movie a big bomb, a big bomb I had wished someone would have landed at the end of the film. I think that the film would have greatly benefited from a mass murder from the crazy neighbors or maybe some freak accident of nature. Simply put, I couldn’t wrap my mind around any one thing in this film.  (read the full review)

5. Knocked Up: I’ve heard of ladies having a bit of a crush on this “Mac Daddy”, Seth Rogan, but honestly I don’t see the charm. Sure he was funny in 40 Year Old Virgin, but I felt a bit of struggle with his lines in Knocked Up. Don’t get me wrong, Knocked Up is not without it’s charms, there are certainly plenty of jokes to be had and uncomfortable moments, but the geek squad went over the top at times. The jest of the film is hot girl gets really drunk, sleeps with pudgy not so hot slacker dude and oops, there goes the condom. Now the two must face parenthood and decide if it should be together or separate. At least the film does show a moral code; take responsibility for your actions, if you’re old enough to do “it” then your old enough to pay the fees. *stepping down from soap box*  (read the full review)

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Here are the top 5 “SERIOUSLY” crap films of the year.

1. Love in the Time of Cholera: I can officially say that I have never made it through one of Javier Bardem’s films. It’s not that I have never tried, The Dancer Upstairs, Collateral, The Sea Inside and Before Night Falls, I’ve tried them all and now I can add Love in the time of Cholera to that list. No, I didn’t break the golden rule as a critic and walk out of the theater. The film actually broke, the thing is it made the film all that more interesting to see the characters upside down and moving backwards, yet the film was still moving forwards, sad to say they couldn’t fix it so I didn’t see the ending. O-well, must have been meant to be, it’s a dreadful thing. I sat and yawn and wiggled in my chair the whole time. Trying to see John Leguizamo as a serious character and no less the same age as his daughter? Get real! Then there is Benjamin Bratt, don’t like that guy at all his acting is like watching paste dry. The one perk to the film was Liev Schreiber, you didn’t get to see much of him, but I sure perked up every time he entered the screen. I don’t recommend Love in the Time of Cholera unless you can’t go to sleep at night and are completely out of sleeping pills. On the other hand, there were plenty of perfect boobies everywhere, so guys might enjoy that part. Could you have imagined the casting call, that’s a lot of breasts to look at to get so many perfect perky ones. (read the full review)

2. Rocket Science: Who would have thought? After I watched the trailer and headed to my little seat in the grand theater, I expected to have my funny bone tickled all night long, instead all I got was life. Think about the story, here is a boy (young adult) who has a stuttering problem. He’s hit on by the chief hottie from the school’s debate team and ultimately recruited to be her debate partner. Of course, he’s not looking to debate more than he is looking for love, the young experimental puppy love, that is. His brother is whacked, his mom is whacked, his neighbor is whacked, his dad is bored and his only friend tried the Kama Sutra on the family dog and killed it; this film should be an outright riot. Life and the shit that happens along the way is funny, but somehow Rocket Science made it depressing and, at times, a little boring. A few highlights that I must note would be a killer soundtrack and at least Hollywood didn’t get the opportunity to bastardize it; you got it folks, there is no special happy ending here. (read the full review)

3. I Am Legend: I Am Legend is based on the 1954 book written by Richard Matheson. This is the 3rd attempt at making a movie out of his novel, the first was The Last Man On Earth starring Vincent Price and the second is a classic amongst films, The Omega Man starring Charlton Hesston. I vaguely remember seeing both of those films, but don’t think that the new version, I Am Legend, uses too many similarities besides the main theme. I believe the book takes place in LA and the film is set up in New York and in both of the earlier versions the infected had a bit more reasoning left in them. In this film, the infected look like poorly computer generated monster that could have easily came out of any PS2 game and for some reason they have super human powers. With films like 28 Days Later, 30 Days of Night and Land of the Dead, why couldn’t such a big budget film accomplish a more realistic looking zombie/vampire like monster?  (read the full review)

4. 30 Days of Night: Before I get into some long dissertation or rant about how absolutely bloody awful this film was, can I just say that Ben Foster can really pull out the freak. How could a guy who looks absolutely hot and seems so sweet in one film, turn around and play one of the most creepiest and smelly roles ever, acting chops anyone? You could smell the funk from the movie theater seat; I could only imagine how rank he must have been if it was a real character, so kudos to the make-up and costume engineers cause I was pretty damn convinced. (read the full review)

5. Zodiac: Mark, Jake, Robbie baby, what happened? I know that ole’ Rottentomatoes.com gives Zodiac the thumbs up, but I found it dreadfully dull, too long and so boring. Really, David, your adaptation of Fight Club and Se7en is so much better. San Fran during the 1960’s/70’s finds a notorious killer who, at first, looks to choose random victims, but begins to send out signs to the newspaper given clues to his intentions. I will say the stab scene with the couple near the shore really freaked me out, but besides that I was yawning throughout the rest. Zodiac didn’t have the same snap or speed as Fight Club and Se7en. I only give it half a razor.