Tim Dodd

Warning: before the review for season five begins, I’m feeling the need to tell you a little story on how my summer fling with Buffy came about. If you think such personal touches are bullshit, then feel free to skip ahead a few paragraphs. But know that by doing so you’re a bunch of heartless bitches!

Buffy the Vampire Slayer – Season 5
Custom Rating

So I got into Buffy almost by accident. A friend of mine was having a “Buffy Party” and I went mainly for the people, the booze, and the food (not necessarily in that order). I figured if I had to see some of that dumb show that I had purposely avoided all these years, the beer could always numb the pain. Well, we started off by playing the Buffy board game (which I kinda thought was lame) and as I am no stranger to geeky obsessions and even geekier people, I went along with it even though I had no idea who in the hell Xander was or what on earth a Hellmouth could be.

After a few adult beverages and the two-part series opener flashing before my eyes, I began to see that there was perhaps something to this little teenage comedy/drama with demons and vampires and things. I borrowed the first season DVD set from the host and started watching. After three episodes I was hooked. Soon after this I could be found sheepishly admitting to my friends that the reason they hadn’t seen me a week was because I’d been holed up in my room watching Buffy and the gang dust vamps and go through many apocalypses together (what exactly is the plural of “apocalypse” anyway?). Not too long after that I could be found proclaiming to anyone who would listen that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was the best goddamn show that had ever been on TV. Period.

My friends still think I’m nuts.

Anyway, after watching the first season I devoured the next five in a matter of about a month, mainly borrowing the DVDs from obsessed friends and even actually purchasing the fifth season when no copy was available to borrow. So here I stand, a Buffy convert, nearly a year after the fact. I still haven’t seen the seventh season and the only one I own is still that fifth. Too bad it’s a fairly week season, even though it contains a few outstanding episodes and some events that are very important in leading up to what I believe is the best (season six).

And that’s what brings me to this review. I was chosen for season five because that’s the only one I have easy access to. Well, it’s time to dust it off (literally) and give my interpretation of what happened in the weird and wacky world of Buffy during that time:

HEARTLESS BITCHES START READING HERE!

Season Five continues in the transitional vein of the fourth, with a growing sense of doom and morbidity that leads up to the extremely gut-wrenching sixth season. As we watch the relationships of Willow & Tara and Xander & Anya grow, Buffy and Riley’s relationship begins to unravel (which is fine by me because I think that Riley really sucks). The still-chipped Spike goes from trying to kill Buffy to falling in love with her. Giles and the gang take over the magic shop and Willow becomes more skilled at being a witch. Warren makes his first appearance in a rather bad episode about a robot girl who has travelled a long distance to find him. Joyce dies and leaves Buffy shattered. All of these things are the beginnings of important plot points that rear their ugly heads in season six.

Of course the first thing that comes to mind about season five is the arrival of Dawn. I don’t think I’ve experienced a more “What the fuck?” moment on TV than when Buffy suddenly has a little sister at the end of the rather dumb “Buffy Vs. Dracula” episode that opened up the season. What actually pissed me off a bit was how during the next few episodes the characters acted like Dawn had always been around but we just somehow didn’t know she was around. My intelligence felt truly insulted as I watched these episodes in disbelief, thinking that they had actually committed one of the dumbest crimes in television history. Well, when it was finally revealed that everyone’s memories of Dawn were planted by those wacky monks from centuries before and that Dawn had only existed from the moment that us viewers met her, I realized that Joss and company had pulled off one of the more clever events in TV history.

The main story arc of season five concerns Dawn being the “key” and Glory trying to use her to bring about the end of the world. So the character of Dawn actually ends up serving a purpose rather than just being a young cute face to keep the kiddies watching the show. After finding out the Dawn was “planted” to bring about the apocalypse, Buffy’s love for her actually grows to the point where she is even willing to give up her own life in order to save Dawn’s. Buffy won’t accept the idea that Dawn must die in order to stave off the end of the world and turns inward for an answer. Buffy has spent the entire season seeking the true meaning of being a slayer and finds it by dying in order to save the world from destruction.

Buffy’s death is undoubtedly a big moment in the series. Not only does it bring forth the most noble and important qualities of the slayer, it paves the way for the complete horror and emptiness that Buffy feels when she is ripped from heaven and forced to live again in misery on Earth in season six. Also, Buffy’s death has a rather large impact on Angel in the first few episodes of that show’s third season. It’s a rather neat world that Whedon has created and the interplay of characters and shows is sometimes staggering.

Even though there are rather stupid episodes like the Dracula one and the episode with the Buffybot, every episode has at least one important event in it that warrants a viewing. The weaknesses are more than made up for in the episode “The Body” (a rather horrifying and beautiful episode in which Buffy finds her mom dead in their living room and struggles to cope with the situation), one of the best episodes of the season and of the entire series. While it is not the best year of the show by any stretch of the imagination, season five is still an important part of the Buffy story and is essential viewing for any fan.

More transitional Buffy that leads up to the almighty and powerful Season Six!!!

Warning: before the review for season five begins, I’m feeling the need to tell you a little story on how my summer fling with Buffy came about. If you think such personal touches are bullshit, then feel free to skip ahead a few paragraphs. But know that by doing so you’re a bunch of heartless bitches!
So I got into Buffy almost by accident. A friend of mine was having a “Buffy Party” and I went mainly for the people, the booze, and the food (not necessarily in that order). I figured if I had to see some of that dumb show that I had purposely avoided all these years, the beer could always numb the pain. Well, we started off by playing the Buffy board game (which I kinda thought was lame) and as I am no stranger to geeky obsessions and even geekier people, I went along with it even though I had no idea who in the hell Xander was or what on earth a Hellmouth could be.
After a few adult beverages and the two-part series opener flashing before my eyes, I began to see that there was perhaps something to this little teenage comedy/drama with demons and vampires and things. I borrowed the first season DVD set from the host and started watching. After three episodes I was hooked. Soon after this I could be found sheepishly admitting to my friends that the reason they hadn’t seen me a week was because I’d been holed up in my room watching Buffy and the gang dust vamps and go through many apocalypses together (what exactly is the plural of “apocalypse” anyway?). Not too long after that I could be found proclaiming to anyone who would listen that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was the best goddamn show that had ever been on TV. Period.
My friends still think I’m nuts.
Anyway, after watching the first season I devoured the next five in a matter of about a month, mainly borrowing the DVDs from obsessed friends and even actually purchasing the fifth season when no copy was available to borrow. So here I stand, a Buffy convert, nearly a year after the fact. I still haven’t seen the seventh season and the only one I own is still that fifth. Too bad it’s a fairly week season, even though it contains a few outstanding episodes and some events that are very important in leading up to what I believe is the best (season six).
And that’s what brings me to this review. I was chosen for season five because that’s the only one I have easy access to. Well, it’s time to dust it off (literally) and give my interpretation of what happened in the weird and wacky world of Buffy during that time:
HEARTLESS BITCHES START READING HERE!

Season Five continues in the transitional vein of the fourth, with a growing sense of doom and morbidity that leads up to the extremely gut-wrenching sixth season. As we watch the relationships of Willow & Tara and Xander & Anya grow, Buffy and Riley’s relationship begins to unravel (which is fine by me because I think that Riley really sucks). The still-chipped Spike goes from trying to kill Buffy to falling in love with her. Giles and the gang take over the magic shop and Willow becomes more skilled at being a witch. Warren makes his first appearance in a rather bad episode about a robot girl who has travelled a long distance to find him. Joyce dies and leaves Buffy shattered. All of these things are the beginnings of important plot points that rear their ugly heads in season six.

Of course the first thing that comes to mind about season five is the arrival of Dawn. I don’t think I’ve experienced a more “What the fuck?” moment on TV than when Buffy suddenly has a little sister at the end of the rather dumb “Buffy Vs. Dracula” episode that opened up the season. What actually pissed me off a bit was how during the next few episodes the characters acted like Dawn had always been around but we just somehow didn’t know she was around. My intelligence felt truly insulted as I watched these episodes in disbelief, thinking that they had actually committed one of the dumbest crimes in television history. Well, when it was finally revealed that everyone’s memories of Dawn were planted by those wacky monks from centuries before and that Dawn had only existed from the moment that us viewers met her, I realized that Joss and company had pulled off one of the more clever events in TV history.

The main story arc of season five concerns Dawn being the “key” and Glory trying to use her to bring about the end of the world. So the character of Dawn actually ends up serving a purpose rather than just being a young cute face to keep the kiddies watching the show. After finding out the Dawn was “planted” to bring about the apocalypse, Buffy’s love for her actually grows to the point where she is even willing to give up her own life in order to save Dawn’s. Buffy won’t accept the idea that Dawn must die in order to stave off the end of the world and turns inward for an answer. Buffy has spent the entire season seeking the true meaning of being a slayer and finds it by dying in order to save the world from destruction.

Buffy’s death is undoubtedly a big moment in the series. Not only does it bring forth the most noble and important qualities of the slayer, it paves the way for the complete horror and emptiness that Buffy feels when she is ripped from heaven and forced to live again in misery on Earth in season six. Also, Buffy’s death has a rather large impact on Angel in the first few episodes of that show’s third season. It’s a rather neat world that Whedon has created and the interplay of characters and shows is sometimes staggering.

…

Buffy Season Five (Complete with wacky rememberances!)Read More »

Hit your man over the head and EAT A HAMBURGER!!!

Vittorio bathes his reptilian spawn

What a sick movie.
That’s pretty much all I could think of while watching Strand Releasing’s newest piece of European DVD trash that provides its viewers with many of those primal exploitation elements we all know and love but offers them in a way that is, to quote one of my favorite Stooges songs, NO FUN.
This latest bit of cinematic excrement is Matteo Garrone’s Primo Amore, a film that somehow tries to romanticize extreme control, sick psychological problems, dangerous eating disorders, and emotional violence. Sure, the film’s press release claims that it is “a cautionary tale,” but after watching it I’m pretty convinced that this movie exists just to titillate some sick suckers out there who love to see nude ladies romping around with their ribs poking out from under their pasty white emaciated skin.
The plot of this wacky film is the kind that makes me want to seal all the windows, turn on the gas, and watch The Cosby Show until my eyes grow heavy with peaceful, eternal sleep. It goes a little somethin’ like this: Vittorio (Vitaliano Trevisan) is a bald, older guy who meets young, pretty Sonia (Michela Cescon) through a personal ad and immediately tells her that she’s fat. Desperate for love and companionship, Sonia begins a relationship with Vittorio, who immediately starts controlling her by making her go on a diet.
Sonia isn’t fat in the least, but Vittorio has some screws loose in his big melon head and he apparently wants her to be like all of the pasty white toothpick women who entertain us in many excellent movies and television shows. Sonia gets sucked into the whole deal, happily restricting her intake of food and charting her progress/decline on a chart. Well, a few pounds isn’t enough for Vittorio, and as he makes her lose more and more weight, both go totally insane and their already unhealthy relationship becomes positively diabolical.
I’m at times a “glass half full” kinda guy, so I’ll give you a few positives on this dungheap. The acting is good, the dialogue is competently written, and there are some striking images found throughout the film. Sonia’s transformation from normal to ultra-thin is convincingly executed and I give mad props to Michela Cescon for going on whatever extreme diet she had to go on in order to make this change. But honey, was it all really worth it?
My main problem with this movie is that it’s just not very believable that the young, attractive Sonia would go through all of this for Vittorio, who’s dull, lacks charisma, and is actually a dick. I know that many women get themselves into abusive relationships that they can’t pull themselves out of, so perhaps my view is naive. Still, it just doesn’t make a lot of sense. The press release states that it is based on a true story, so I guess that the truth really is stranger than fiction… and it’s also proof that the truth doesn’t necessarily make for a good movie.
So you wanna make a movie about obsessive love that serves as a cautionary tale? Make a self-help video, not a feature film that passes itself as entertainment. However, if you’re the kind of person that sees the words “Obsessive Love, Sexual Fixation, Dieting to the Extreme!” and goes “Wow! That’s exactly what I need!”, then by all means, go rent Primo Amore. Just keep your sick-shit-lovin’ ass the hell away from me.
Please.

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Primo DisgustingoRead More »

Well, it’s as bad as the original show.

I had quite an adventure on my way to see The Dukes of Hazzard. Not only did major road construction cause me to have to detour way the hell out of the way, but I got lost. Real lost. You see, I like to make it to the screenings fairly early to ensure that I get my seat and so I can get settled before the film begins. Well, my terrible direction sense caused me to finally make it back onto the main highway and to the movie theater with just seconds to spare.
Even though I was stressed out from all the heavy duty driving I had to do and pissed off from getting so incredibly lost, it still ended up being a better time than the actual movie itself.
I just want to make two things clear: I know the original Dukes of Hazzard show was pretty dumb and that this current movie remake isn’t meant to be any great masterpiece of film. Also, after seeing Wedding Crashers and enjoying the hell out of it, I’ve been trying to open my mind a little and give stupid comedies more of a chance.
I tried. Dukes of Hazzard just didn’t cut it.
In redneck Hazzard County in Georgia, Bo and Luke Duke (played by Sean William Scott and Johnny Knoxville, respectively) are just a couple of good ol’ boys runnin’ moonshine deliveries for their uncle Jessie (Willie Nelson). They get harassed by Boss Hogg (Burt Reynolds) and his lackey Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane (M.C. Gainey), who hate the Duke boys for all of their wacky shenanigans and also don’t want them to win some lame car race with their famous General Lee.
There’s some stuff with a stupid Nascar driver, played by a guy who is seriously trying to do his best impersonation of Ben Stiller’s character from Dodge Ball, which is pathetic. He ends up being a front for some evil doings that Hogg attempts to orchestrate that will screw over the fine citizens of Hazzard County and our boys must save the day by foiling his plans. It’s like a feature-length version of one of the old episodes, just with more profanity and close-ups of Daisy’s ass.
Oh yeah, Jessica Simpson plays Daisy Duke, the boys’ hot cousin, whose purpose in this movie is solely to lure cops away from their duties with a shake of her ass… like at least four times… the same exact thing throughout the movie… again and again… you get it. It’s not like Catherine Bach’s role in the original series served any other purpose, but Jessica Simpson really has no other reason for being in this movie except to titillate drooling males in the audience and give horny teens a boner.
Look, I like hot chicks. But I guess what rubbed me the wrong way was that the audience actually applauded a close-up of Simpson’s ass. Also, every time she came on the screen the frat boy next to me said either “God” or “Jesus Christ” as if he was about to have to go to the bathroom and check his pants. Anyway, I guess I’m a fool for expecting someone on the big screen to actually have to act for her multi-million dollar reward. Silly me!
Ok, now that I’ve made it over the hurdle of Jessica Simpson’s ass, I can talk a bit about the films shortcomings. Knoxville, Scott, Simpson, and even Burt Reynolds can’t do a southern accent to save their lives and it was distracting. Also, the original Duke boys were supposed to be naive and goofy in a charming way, but Knoxville and Scott are not very convincing. It’s hard to see them as being good ol’ boys that don’t mean to do no harm. Instead, they just end up seeming slightly retarded.
For some reason, they decided to make Roscoe a dour, serious, menacing kind of guy instead of the bumbling, stuttering, idiot that he was in the original show. Now that I think of it, Burt doesn’t really do a bumbling Boss Hogg either and there isn’t much comedy that comes from them. They just show up in scenes looking ridiculous and twirling their mustaches and then their plans get foiled. It’s just kind of static. Sure the original show was corny, but at least it wasn’t boring.
Unfortunately, Willie Nelson is absolutely wasted in this movie (pun intended). Even though he does get out a couple of good lines (and he does have natural charisma… he’s fucking Willie Nelson for chrissakes !), he mainly just appears in scenes rattling off a sting of goofy old jokes for no good reason. Well, I guess the man got a pretty good paycheck for his efforts.
One last thing… I must address a totally stupid and pointless scene in the movie that kind of reveals the fundamental weakness in reviving this old idea for a modern movie. At one point the guys have to drive to Atlanta to get a core sample analyzed (don’t ask). When they get to the big city people start flipping them off and giving them a hard time about being rednecks. Then they stop in a “bad neighborhood” and a group of “gangstas” threaten to kill them for the confederate flag on the top of the General Lee. The boys act very innocent and are confused because Cooter painted the flag on the car without them knowing it.
What is the point of this? Are they trying to make a half-assed apology for the supposed racism that was found in the original show? The Dukes of Hazzard series was made at a time when it was easy to get away with things that today would seem insensitive to certain audiences. The movie, however, makes no improvement on the show and wallows in the same retardation that plagued the series. After watching the new version of The Dukes of Hazzard I’m convinced that it should have remained squarely in the era from which it came.

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The Dukes of HazzardRead More »