December Lambeth

There was plenty of films from 2005 for the worst of list, but I was able to come up with the worse 10.

N/A

How sad is that, it was much easier to pick out the nasty little gems from last year than to list the best of films? The list below is in no specific order, they suck equally!

The Pacifier: Vin Diesel can be seen in many films and usually he’s very stoic, but in The Pacifier he’s the babysitter. The Pacifier is completely brainless for the family. Very similar to Kindergarten Cop, The Pacifier holds bar to Arnold and the senseless humor. Vin plays the stud who can kick butt, swim like a shark, and live off the land with some army rations, but can’t change a diaper. He truly did not have to do any acting, all he had to do is stand there and let the kids react to him. The site says that The Pacifier is “James Bond Meets Mary Poppins”, more like James Bond becomes Mr. Mom. Every worse case G-rated scenario that could happen does, baby vomit, baby poo, teenage girl problems, teenage boy problems, and the little girl with all the questions. Very surprising that the creators left out any drug, alcohol and sex related issues, but that may have turned the film into PG-13.

The Brothers Grimm: Director Terry Gilliam (Time Bandits, Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas, & The Fisher King) has lost his touch after 7 years. Fans will be amused, but a bit disappointed. Given, The Brothers Grimm, is quite eye catching and has some since of humor accompanied with some very very dark moments. When I say dark moments I mean, a little fluffy kitten in a meat grinder and the skinning of a rabbit in detail, all done with a twisted amount of humor of course. But Terry doesn’t give enough, maybe it has to do with being frustrated with corporate meddling and not having the freedom to really express himself.

The Cave: Spelunkers beware there are mutants down in those caves. Nothing to be frightened of here, The Cave fails to scare or even intrigue it’s viewers, the monsters are amateur looking and the acting is even worse. Dialogue becomes halfway comical at best and the sound and set design is pitiful; this film is one big stinker.

Herbie: Fully Loaded: No matter how many breast reductions they give Lindsay Lohan, this remake is one big failure.

Alone In The Dark: He failed with bringing Sega videogame House of the Dead to the big screen, but hopefully director Uwe Boll finished his career with Alone in the Dark, yet another video game adaptation. This film is scary only on the bases that the studio thinks you should pay to see this horribly stupid catastrophy. What’s scarier yet is that I did pay to see it in the theater and now I am suffering through the DVD version; what I will sacrifice for our public. If this gives you any idea what you are in for, the film’s perspective is shared by the special effects coordinator John Sleep, who was responsible for the special effects on House of the Dead, Scary Movie 3 and Catwoman. I must say that those were pretty stellar films, NOT.

Alexander: Alexander the Great, what a great disappointment. If you are going to want something bad enough to have been thinking and planning for most of your life to make it (almost 32 years), then try not making it a complete disaster and an epic bore. Another suggestion would be to not go on a five year break and then come back and make a huge flop. Don’t take such an important piece of well studied history and turn it into 3 hours of bad casting and innuendos. Is the answer A.) B.) C.) or D.) all the above, what did Oliver Stone do wrong? A safe bet would be to pick D.) all the above. Where to start, everything in the film was so wrong and did not fit.

Boogeyman: Who was not afraid of the Boogeyman? I was scared to death of him so much that my feet never touched the ground in front of my bed and not one single door in my room was left ajar. Sadly to say I was not too afraid of this Boogeyman, it just didn’t spook like it should. It is PG-13 so it is targeted more towards the younger group of movie goers and they may find this to be a jumper. It wasn’t bad to watch just to see hottie Barry Watson, but that was the only benefit I found. Boogeyman does keep you in suspense in the fashion of keeping the creature from prying eyes through out most of the film, it does add a bit of spook factor to not seeing what Barry’s character is so afraid of. A different take from slash and gore films, but could have been a great deal scarier.

Doom: Doom gives us the basic scare tactics with an unoriginal opening, unseen creature slaughtering the scientists in a research station on Mars, never seen anything like that before. The RRTS, Rapid Response Tactical Squad, I’m not too sure about the rapid part, composed of some quite entertaining character names like Goat, Destroyer, Pinky and The Kid, are called in to save the day. Still looking for something different, maybe a little twist or some type of originality? I am too, but don’t hold your breath, it’s not coming. Here is a little insight; did you know you could get to Mars by a portal in the Nevada desert? The iron marine crew shows up and locks down then spend the next 60 minutes or so slugging around endless firepower and getting killed.

Dark Water: Dark Water, that’s funny, this film is more like Murky Water. All I could think was, this film is such a drip. The Hollywood Machine pulled off recreating a Japanese horror once with The Ring, but it’s time to give it up and move on. Jennifer Connelly looked absolutely ill, which may have been the whole purpose to her character, but come on eat a sandwich and start rethinking some of your career moves Jen. Dark Water had one promising attribute and that was John C. Reilly, he played the conning super who sold the apartment to Jennifer’s character and would do nothing to fix the black water dripping from her ceiling or clean the place up. Not knowing the daughter is becoming possessed all along by a little girl that was abandon and had drowned up stairs, she kept living there thinking that maybe she herself was loosing it. I waited for that one scary moment, but it never came and what was even worse, the ending didn’t either. When the film ended, the director and editing team set us up for a 3 weeks later segment; what, three weeks later, can’t we just end this torture and get out of here. If you’re looking for something to keep you on your toes and entertain, then Dark Water is nowhere near the film for you.

Elektra: Jennifer I suggest you stick with the men that helps you move up the later like your co-star from Alias, or easier yet, stick with Alias and cutesy teeny bopper films. Elektra is a pathetic attempt to an already pathetic attempt with Dare Devil and Ben Affleck.

Just to ruffle a few feathers with my fellow Razorfine critics (and give you a different perspective), I’m going to try to take the high ground and be positive. Which wont be easy given the film is way too long, and there are massive issues with construction, characters, plot, story, and well….hell just about everything. But let’s not forget that this film is make believe, and was created to entertain the masses.  And folks, critics are not the masses. We have become overbearing and extremely judgmental in our movie going experiences, and see things for what they really are instead of the fantasy world this type of entertainment is made for. 

People will hate the fact that it takes roughly an hour to see Kong, and they have to spend so much time getting to know characters that they don’t give a shit about (nor will they).  They want Kong.  Jackson, what is wrong with you?  People want 10 maybe 20 minutes of character building and then you need to give them the juice. Audiences are going to drool, squirm, eek, scream and jump at every monster that pops out and either crushes, devoirs or decapitates the ship’s crew. The audience won’t notice Kong comes in various sizes, or that his face never quite matches up. They won’t catch on to a New York playwright becoming a master of the jungle and conquers all odds to save the girl only to get back to the ship in 10 minutes. And really, who is going to see the vast difference in the CGI quality Jurassic Park has over Kong in the dinosaur scenes?

King Kong
2 Stars

It’s sad to think that this was Jackson’s dream, and that even after 3 hours and 11 minutes he still came up short, but don’t be shocked if it gets considered for some form of Hollywood glamour award; it’s big, it’s long, it’s Kong.

King Kong gives an award winning performance (accompanied by some great facial expressions), and Naomi Watts, as the beautiful Ann Darrow, pulls off fairly impressive moves against a blue screen (not to mention a make believe leading man). As for the rest of the film’s talent, who cares? Jack Black plays the self-indulgent film producer, Carl Denham, who looses his touch on reality halfway through.  There’s also Adrian Brody as master of the jungle and stud playwright Jack Driscoll, and Thomas Kretschmann as the ever hero Captain Englehorn; they were in The Pianist, what else do you need to know? Everyone else gets crushed, except Colin Hanks who plays Carl’s assistant and Jamie Bell as the little boy with a big heart; consensus says he should have died.

Most of the CGI stuff works, but when it doesn’t work it really doesn’t work.  Pole-vaulting(!) natives, a multitude of dinosaurs and a few aspects of Kong’s physical build and face to name a few of the other computer generated moments that go awry. However, costuming and the set design for New York during The Great Depression is quite impressive.

To sum King Kong up in 3 sections would be quite easy. Section1 is long and boring: meet the characters, check the plot and wait for Kong. Section 2 is the Skull Island adventure:, natives more scary than a massive attack of creepy crawlers, freakish vampire bats, and more action than you can shake a tree full of shipmates at. Section 3 back to the city: Kong is lovelorn and Ann, in an effort to save the poor beast, climbs the Empire State Building in heels and screams at planes. The End.

 

King Kong is what it is: 3 hours of fantasy entertainment that could have easily been cut down to 2. Rest assure with that running time you’re at least getting your money’s worth.